08:00 PM PST (November 11, 2025) - N.S. EIC

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning development that could only be described as “government shutdown meets airport lounge,” NotSure News has learned from 27 House Republicans, all speaking on condition of anonymity, and all apparently hiding behind TSA kiosk agents, that they will be unable to return to Washington to vote on the continuing resolution to reopen the government.

The reason? Air traffic restrictions.

Yes, the same lawmakers who routinely insist that “weather delays are fake news” now claim that the skies themselves have conspired against them. “We’d love to reopen the government,” one anonymous congressman whispered while boarding a private jet to Mar-a-Lago, “but the FAA has cruelly grounded our patriotism. Also, we heard Adelita Grijalva is waiting at the Capitol with a pen.”

Grijalva, the newly elected Democrat from Arizona’s 7th District, has pledged to be the 218th vote to force the release of the Jeffrey Epstein files. Her swearing-in has already been delayed for weeks, with Speaker Mike Johnson citing “procedural traditions” and “the need to respect the sanctity of recess.” But Republicans now admit privately that the real fear is her decisive role in the Epstein petition.

According to multiple sources, Donald Trump himself has reached out to GOP members, urging them to “keep the shutdown rolling like a beautiful escalator” in order to prevent Grijalva from taking the oath. “If she’s sworn in, the Epstein files come out,” one lawmaker said, “and frankly, we’d rather stay grounded than risk turbulence in Palm Beach.”

Meanwhile, airline officials deny any unusual restrictions, noting that “the only delays we’ve seen are caused by lawmakers refusing to board flights that might land near accountability.”

Political analysts are calling this the first recorded instance of a government shutdown being justified by imaginary air traffic control. “It’s a bold strategy,” said one observer. “They’ve weaponized JetBlue excuses as constitutional precedent.”

Grijalva herself responded with characteristic bluntness: “For seven weeks, 813,000 Arizonans have been denied representation. Now I’m told the skies are closed? This is not a democracy; it’s a bad sitcom.” USA TODAY

As the shutdown drags on, Americans are left wondering whether their government will reopen before the next boarding group is called. Until then, the House GOP remains in the terminal, clutching boarding passes marked “Fear of Epstein Files.”