If You Ever Wondered Who Is Behind The News…

Frustrated man with glasses and messy hair, sitting at a desk with piles of papers, holding a red pen, with a stressed expression. A coffee cup is on the desk, and a bulletin board with documents and red string in the background.

Our Newest Team Members:

Tessa Lockridge (NotSure News Washington Correspondent)

Tessa Lockridge was born somewhere between a bus station and a breaking story. Her early years remain a mystery, mostly because she refuses to answer questions that start with “where.” She allegedly studied journalism at a community college that no longer exists, then spent two decades freelancing for publications that also no longer exist. Her career trajectory resembles a graph of public trust in media: steep decline, brief recovery, then chaos.

Before joining NotSure News, Tessa worked as a “rotational correspondent” for several outlets, meaning she rotated between being fired and rehired depending on who she offended that week. She’s known for her ability to file stories from anywhere, press rooms, stairwells, and once, a stalled elevator during a Senate vote.

Scandals

  • The Coffee Incident (2014): Tessa accidentally spilled a venti cold brew on a senator’s briefing notes, then claimed it was “citizen engagement.”

  • The Microphone Affair (2017): She was caught using a karaoke mic labeled “PRESS” at a White House event after her real one broke.

  • The Credential Swap (2023): Used a colleague’s press badge to sneak into a closed committee meeting, then live‑blogged it under the headline “They’re Talking About Lunch.”

Enemies

  • The Capitol janitorial staff: For repeatedly “borrowing” their extension cords for live shots.

  • Three unnamed senators: One called her “a menace with a notebook.”

  • The NotSure News HR department: They’ve tried to schedule her for mandatory ethics training six times. She keeps filing FOIA requests instead.

Current Status

Tessa Lockridge now roams the Capitol halls like a caffeine‑powered specter, armed with a notepad, a dying phone, and a moral compass that spins wildly but always points toward the nearest source. Her motto:

“If I’m not supposed to be here, someone should’ve stopped me.”

Chip “The Source” Dabble (Fact Checker)

A man with glasses and chaotic hair holding a microphone, leaning close to a squirrel on a tree trunk, with a surprised or angry expression. The squirrel's front paws are together, and there is a paper taped to the tree with a red string running from the paper to the squirrel.

Meet Chip “The Source” Dabble, our newly appointed fact checker, whose résumé includes a brief stint at Reuters, a longer stint in rehab, and an even longer stint screaming “CITE YOUR CLAIMS!” at squirrels in a municipal park.

Chip is a recovering truth addict. His drug of choice? Verax; a synthetic compound that simulates the sensation of absolute certainty. Side effects include compulsive annotation, hallucinated footnotes, and the belief that every conversation is a deposition.

What Chip Brings to the Table:

• A sixth sense for fabricated quotes and a seventh sense for imaginary ones.

• The ability to detect bias in a haiku.

• A personal vendetta against ellipses.

Statement from Editor-in-Chief Not Sure:

“We hired Chip because he knows the truth. We keep him because he’s terrified of it.”

Chip now lives in a windowless office lined with corkboards, red string, and expired press passes. He fact-checks our satire with the intensity of a man who once tried to redact his own memories. He’s currently working on a 400-page rebuttal to a metaphor we used in 2019.

NotSure News Contributors

The additional unpaid staff:

Dr. Velma Crankshaft — Senior Analyst of Weaponized Nostalgia

Former dentist turned media theorist. Believes the moon landing was a marketing stunt for Tang.

Randall “Slippery” Gunk — Chief Correspondent for Reptilian Affairs

Lives in a crawlspace beneath the Capitol. Has never blinked. Once dated a lizard posing as Mitch McConnell.

Chad Vapeley — Director of Emotional Misinformation

Invented the phrase “vibe-based journalism.” Communicates exclusively through scented fog and TikTok duets.

Dr. Linda “No Relation” Kennedy — Editor-at-Large for Unsolicited Intelligence Briefings

Writes 12,000-word exposés on things no one asked about. Once sued the CIA for “emotional trespassing.”

Father Greg of the Unverified Order — Faith-Based Fact Checker

Blesses every article with holy water and a shrug. Claims to have baptized Elon Musk’s Roomba.

Bart O’Kavanaugh — Underground Bureau Chief

Broadcasts from a bunker beneath a defunct Arby’s. Specializes in mole people, sewer politics, and Subway sandwich espionage. “I like beer.”

Dr. Zandra Quark — Senior Editor for Quantum Conspiracies

Believes every headline exists in multiple realities. Once published an article that reversed time in Nebraska.

Countess Melania von Trumpstein — Special Envoy for Gothic Erotica and Presidential Marriages

Writes exclusively in blood and broken Slovenian. Claims Trump only screams like that for Lucifer.

JD Vance (Unofficial) — Vice President of Eyeliner and Infernal Affairs

Not officially on staff but keeps submitting handwritten memos from Hell. We publish them out of pity and fear.