If You Ever Wondered Who Is Behind The News…

Frustrated man with glasses and messy hair, sitting at a desk with piles of papers, holding a red pen, with a stressed expression. A coffee cup is on the desk, and a bulletin board with documents and red string in the background.

Our Newest Team Member:

A man with glasses and chaotic hair holding a microphone, leaning close to a squirrel on a tree trunk, with a surprised or angry expression. The squirrel's front paws are together, and there is a paper taped to the tree with a red string running from the paper to the squirrel.

Meet Chip “The Source” Dabble, our newly appointed fact checker, whose résumé includes a brief stint at Reuters, a longer stint in rehab, and an even longer stint screaming “CITE YOUR CLAIMS!” at squirrels in a municipal park.

Chip is a recovering truth addict. His drug of choice? Verax; a synthetic compound that simulates the sensation of absolute certainty. Side effects include compulsive annotation, hallucinated footnotes, and the belief that every conversation is a deposition.

What Chip Brings to the Table:

• A sixth sense for fabricated quotes and a seventh sense for imaginary ones.

• The ability to detect bias in a haiku.

• A personal vendetta against ellipses.

Statement from Editor-in-Chief Not Sure:

“We hired Chip because he knows the truth. We keep him because he’s terrified of it.”

Chip now lives in a windowless office lined with corkboards, red string, and expired press passes. He fact-checks our satire with the intensity of a man who once tried to redact his own memories. He’s currently working on a 400-page rebuttal to a metaphor we used in 2019.

NotSure News Contributors:

The minds behind the madness. The voices inside your newsfeed. The unpaid contributors of the apocalypse.

Dr. Velma Crankshaft — Senior Analyst of Weaponized Nostalgia

Former dentist turned media theorist. Believes the moon landing was a marketing stunt for Tang.

Randall “Slippery” Gunk — Chief Correspondent for Reptilian Affairs

Lives in a crawlspace beneath the Capitol. Has never blinked. Once dated a lizard posing as Mitch McConnell.

Chad Vapeley — Director of Emotional Misinformation

Invented the phrase “vibe-based journalism.” Communicates exclusively through scented fog and TikTok duets.

Dr. Linda “No Relation” Kennedy — Editor-at-Large for Unsolicited Intelligence Briefings

Writes 12,000-word exposés on things no one asked about. Once sued the CIA for “emotional trespassing.”

Father Greg of the Unverified Order — Faith-Based Fact Checker

Blesses every article with holy water and a shrug. Claims to have baptized Elon Musk’s Roomba.

Bart O’Kavanaugh — Underground Bureau Chief

Broadcasts from a bunker beneath a defunct Arby’s. Specializes in mole people, sewer politics, and Subway sandwich espionage. “I like beer.”

Dr. Zandra Quark — Senior Editor for Quantum Conspiracies

Believes every headline exists in multiple realities. Once published an article that reversed time in Nebraska.

Countess Melania von Trumpstein — Special Envoy for Gothic Erotica and Presidential Marriages

Writes exclusively in blood and broken Slovenian. Claims Trump only screams like that for Lucifer.

JD Vance (Unofficial) — Vice President of Eyeliner and Infernal Affairs

Not officially on staff but keeps submitting handwritten memos from Hell. We publish them out of pity and fear.