05:37 PM PST (July 27, 2025) - N.S. EIC

OMAHA, NE — In what legal scholars are already dubbing “The Follicular Fallout Trial of the Century,” local resident and former shampoo model Reece Eding has filed a personal lawsuit against Donald J. Trump, accusing the president of “inducing national levels of stress so severe”, his iconic mane has deserted him.

Citing a torrent of hair loss since January, Reece Eding has submitted daily time-lapse photos tracking his descent from Fabio-style glory to full chrome dome realness. One compelling exhibit shows his shower drain clogged with what appears to be enough strands to knit an alpaca.

“Have you ever looked down in the shower and seen a fist full of hair in the drain? I don’t think so,” he told reporters, adjusting his reflective scalp. “I used to be known for my beautiful mane. People asked if I conditioned with unicorn tears.”

His family corroborated the claim, with his aunt recalling, “We used to call him ‘The Conditioner Whisperer.’ Now he’s just… reflective.”

The lawsuit alleges that following Trump’s recent tyranny in office, Reece’s cortisol levels spiked beyond FDA tolerances for scalp sustainability. His stress-induced shedding reportedly began shortly after watching a three-hour cable special entitled The Trump Return: Gold Toilets & Justice.

Sources close to the plaintiff say he began balding so fast, local meteorologists mistook him for a weather balloon. A neighbor claims they haven’t seen such rapid hair flight since the town’s unfortunate encounter with a rogue leaf blower in 1997.

Reece Eding is suing for emotional damages, three artisanal wigs, and exclusive rights to market a new hair-loss serum called “Truth Follicle.” The case is set for $767,000,000, a symbolic sum. Trump has yet to respond, though one insider claims he called the suit “sad, low-energy, and frankly, a follicle hoax.”

Legal experts are split, with one analyst calling the case “the most hair-raising tort in recent memory,” and another advising Trump to prepare for a deposition “by the follicle.”

In an era when lawsuits are considered the most common dispute resort, we see this one coming to a settlement without admission of guilt on Trumps behalf.

Witness Affidavit: Drain Incident #23-1482

“I, Taylor W., resident of Bathroom Unit B, testify under penalty of frizz that I observed a clump of blonde hair approximately 2.5 inches in diameter resting menacingly in the east quadrant of the drain. Its positioning appeared intentional. I suspect malicious shedding, possibly linked to expired volumizer.”

Date: July 27, 2025

Signature: [Redacted due to shampoo smudging]

This witness’ testimony was immediately thrown out when the court and the plaintiffs’ lawyer discovered that he was, in fact, a 14-year-old towel boy at Mar-A -Lago and still on Trumps payroll. He later admitted that he was also promised a position of ‘House Boy’ if he incriminated himself in his testimony. It is not known what the ‘house boy’ position entailed although it is the same position offered to Virginia Roberts Giuffre, also started out as towel girl at 14 then recruited by Jefferey Epstein for his child sex trafficking.

Legal Annotations: Exhibit B—Blonde Drain Debris

• Section 12.4: Possible violation of the “Shared Shower Cleanliness Accord”

• Clause 9(b): Suspicion of tampering with follicular integrity

• Highlight: The blonde hair’s angle suggests defensive shedding, potentially triggered by high-pressure rinsing

However, this is all predicated on the defense’s response to the filing.

The trial is expected to begin next spring, assuming Reece Eding doesn’t dissolve entirely by then.

This story will be updated as ‘facts’ become available.