07:00 PM PST (August 17, 2025) - N.S. EIC

ASHEVILLE, NC — Senator Bernie Sanders, age 83 and still powered by the same mysterious Vermont maple syrup that keeps him yelling at billionaires like they’re squirrels in his bird feeder, took to the stage this week to deliver what historians will one day call “The Last Great Yell.”

The event was part of his “Fighting Oligarchy” tour, which is not, as some suspected, a new Marvel franchise, but rather a cross-country sermon on the evils of wealth concentration, the betrayal of the working class, and the curious phenomenon of billionaires wanting to own both America and the moon.

Sanders, dressed in his signature windbreaker that looks like it’s been through three revolutions and a minor flood, told a crowd of 3,600 that the Democratic Party had “turned its back on the working class.” This was met with gasps, cheers, and one audible “finally!” from a man who had been holding a sign that read “I Miss FDR.”

He named names. Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg—the Holy Trinity of Techno-Feudalism. According to Sanders, these men are not just content with owning the economy, they also want to “destroy our democracy and move us toward an authoritarian form of society.” In other words, they want to be the Dungeon Masters of America, and we’re all just NPCs.

Sanders proposed a radical idea: stop giving tax breaks to billionaires and start building affordable housing. “Maybe instead of putting more money into the Defense Department,” he said, “how about building 5 million units of low-income and affordable housing?” The Pentagon reportedly responded by launching a drone strike on a duplex.

He also called North Carolina’s $7.25 minimum wage “pathetic,” which is true, but also sounds like something your disappointed grandfather would say about your SAT scores.

The speech was peppered with references to Trump’s “Big Beautiful Bill,” which, despite its name, is not a children’s book about a friendly walrus, but a legislative proposal that would cut funding for rural hospitals, nutrition programs, and anything else that might help someone survive past age 50.

Sanders did not mention Tropical Storm Helene, which had devastated the region a year earlier, possibly because he was too busy trying to prevent the metaphorical storm of economic collapse and democratic decay.

In attendance were veterans, young activists, and one woman who said, “If we lose our hospital, we lose our town.” This was not hyperbole. In America 2025, hospitals are the last remaining community centers, now that libraries have been converted into crypto mining facilities.

Sanders ended his speech with a call to arms—not literal arms, of course, but metaphorical ones. He wants Americans to “band together” and fight back against the oligarchs. He did not specify how, but one assumes it involves voting, organizing, and possibly yelling at billionaires until they retreat to their yachts.

As the crowd dispersed, one young man said, “It felt like he was passing the torch.” Another replied, “Yeah, but it’s a torch made of righteous fury and union dues.”

So it goes.