09:00 PM PST (October 25, 2025) - N.S. EIC

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After months of speculation, trampoline-related injuries, and one incident involving Lindsey Graham stuck in a foam cannon, President Donald Trump has officially submitted architectural plans for his long-rumored inflatable MAGA Ballroom,  a towering bouncy house that now occupies the entire footprint of the White House’s West Wing, its Cold War fallout shelter, and both commemorative magnolia trees planted by Andrew Jackson.

The plans, drawn in crayon on a Mar-a-Lago cocktail napkin and later digitized by a team of unpaid interns, feature:

• A 60-foot inflatable dome with gold trim and a built-in fog machine labeled “Freedom Mist”

• A subterranean ball pit where the nuclear football now resides, guarded by animatronic Founding Fathers who shout “Fake News!” when approached

• A trampoline corridor replacing the Situation Room, now called the “Bounceuation Room”

• A commemorative plaque reading “Here Once Stood History. Now We Bounce.”

“This is the most luxurious, most secure, most bounceable presidential facility in history,” Trump declared while unveiling the plans at a press conference held inside the structure, which required all journalists to wear Velcro suits and enter via catapult. “The West Wing was a disaster. Sad walls. No bounce. Now we’ve got a ballroom that makes Versailles look like a Motel 6.”

The National Archives have expressed concern over the loss of historical infrastructure, noting that the original magnolia trees were “not inflatable, and therefore not replaceable.” Trump responded by installing two inflatable magnolia replicas that emit a scent described by aides as “aggressively patriotic.”

Sources inside the Pentagon confirmed that the new layout has complicated national security protocols, as GPS systems now register the White House as “a recreational facility” and foreign dignitaries have begun arriving in gym shorts.

The architectural submission, now officially part of the National Register of Historic Absurdities, includes a proposed expansion: a bounce moat filled with Diet Coke and a zipline from the Lincoln Bedroom to the snack bar.