Christi Noem’s Culinary Coup: “I Shot My Dog, Now I Eat Yours”
Photo provided courtesy of Department of Homeland Security Press Office…
03:33 PM PST (August 4, 2025) - P.S./S.S.
Pyongyang, DPRK — In a diplomatic maneuver that stunned both the USDA and the ASPCA, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem has arrived in North Korea to personally endorse the regime’s canine protein initiative. Her visit comes amid reports that the DPRK has been forcibly confiscating pet dogs from citizens—ostensibly for “national unity,” but practically for stew.
“I’ve always believed in tough love,” Noem said, ladling a chunk of what appeared to be Labrador flank into her bowl. “And nothing says ‘discipline’ like a slow braise.”
From Pet to Patriot: The Tangogi [dog meat] Doctrine
North Korea’s “Tangogi Redistribution Program” has been hailed by state media as a “bold reimagining of pet ownership,” wherein dogs are reclassified as “mobile protein units” subject to state requisition. Citizens are encouraged to surrender their pets voluntarily, though reports suggest that refusal may result in reeducation or reassignment to the Ministry of Canine Compliance.
Noem’s visit included a ceremonial tasting at the Pyongyang Protein Pavilion, where she sampled:
Golden Retriever Bulgogi
Miniature Schnauzer Tartare (served on a rice cracker shaped like the DMZ)
“Freedom Franks” — hot dogs made from actual dogs, garnished with a tiny American flag toothpick
The Great Fertilizer Offensive
In a parallel initiative, North Korea has mobilized its citizens to collect human waste for agricultural use. Each adult is expected to contribute 500kg of feces annually, a quota that has led to widespread toilet theft, outhouse stakeouts, and the emergence of a black market for premium-grade poop.
Noem praised the program as “a triumph of civic duty,” comparing it favorably to South Dakota’s own recycling efforts. “In America, we compost banana peels. Here, they compost their souls.”
Sidebar: Poop Quotas vs. Campaign Finance Limits
International Reactions
President Biden, upon hearing of Noem’s visit, reportedly muttered “Jesus Christ” and walked into a broom closet.
PETA issued a statement reading simply: “We give up.”
Kim Jong Un, in a rare public appearance, toasted Noem with a glass of fermented goat urine, declaring her “an honorary citizen of the Protein Republic.”
Legal Footnote
According to the North Korean Culinary Reciprocity Act of 2025, any foreign dignitary who consumes more than 3kg of dog meat is automatically granted temporary citizenship and a voucher for one free shovel at the National Waste Collection Depot.
Noem is expected to return to South Dakota with a suitcase full of vacuum-sealed schnauzer jerky and a renewed sense of purpose. “This trip reminded me what leadership is all about,” she said. “Sometimes you have to shoot the dog. Sometimes you have to eat it. And sometimes, you have to fertilize your crops with the consequences.”
The following is a NotSure News EXCLUSIVE (a memo leaked to us by Kristy Noems office):
