03:33 PM PST (August 4, 2025) - N.S./S.S.

Pyongyang, DPRK — In a diplomatic maneuver that stunned both the USDA and the ASPCA, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem has arrived in North Korea to personally endorse the regime’s canine protein initiative. Her visit comes amid reports that the DPRK has been forcibly confiscating pet dogs from citizens—ostensibly for “national unity,” but practically for stew.

“I’ve always believed in tough love,” Noem said, ladling a chunk of what appeared to be Labrador flank into her bowl. “And nothing says ‘discipline’ like a slow braise.”

From Pet to Patriot: The Tangogi [dog meat] Doctrine

North Korea’s “Tangogi Redistribution Program” has been hailed by state media as a “bold reimagining of pet ownership,” wherein dogs are reclassified as “mobile protein units” subject to state requisition. Citizens are encouraged to surrender their pets voluntarily, though reports suggest that refusal may result in reeducation or reassignment to the Ministry of Canine Compliance.

Noem’s visit included a ceremonial tasting at the Pyongyang Protein Pavilion, where she sampled:

• Golden Retriever Bulgogi

• Miniature Schnauzer Tartare (served on a rice cracker shaped like the DMZ)

• “Freedom Franks” — hot dogs made from actual dogs, garnished with a tiny American flag toothpick

The Great Fertilizer Offensive

In a parallel initiative, North Korea has mobilized its citizens to collect human waste for agricultural use. Each adult is expected to contribute 500kg of feces annually, a quota that has led to widespread toilet theft, outhouse stakeouts, and the emergence of a black market for premium-grade poop.

Noem praised the program as “a triumph of civic duty,” comparing it favorably to South Dakota’s own recycling efforts. “In America, we compost banana peels. Here, they compost their souls.”

Sidebar: Poop Quotas vs. Campaign Finance Limits