By NotSure News — Where facts go to laugh at themselves

In a shocking move that has Americans suspiciously squinting at their screens, Congress has officially banned itself from stock trading, thus ending a long and proud tradition of insider trading that somehow wasn’t technically insider trading. But don’t worry—they waited until Donald Trump finished squeezing the last penny out of democracy like a Florida retiree at a Denny’s senior discount buffet.

The new legislation, titled the “Too Little Too Late Act,” was passed in a rare moment of bipartisan unity, sparked only after President Trump successfully launched “MonetizeAmerica™”, a revolutionary platform that allows politicians to convert democracy directly into NFTs, casino chips, and MAGA-branded multivitamins.

“We Were Just Holding It For a Friend”

Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy (R-Wherever the Wind Blows) explained at a press conference that while Congress members had absolutely no idea how their portfolios tripled during pandemic briefings, they were now ready to change.

“We’ve heard the public outcry. And after realizing that we made enough money to retire on Jupiter, we feel it's time to look humble,” McCarthy said, wiping his brow with a napkin from the Capitol Hill Steakhouse.

Nancy Pelosi, who had long resisted such reforms despite trading stocks with the precision of a time traveler, issued a statement through her financial advisor, a sentient Bloomberg terminal named “SlickBot3000.”

“We recognize the optics of trading on inside info after classified briefings may look bad… So we’ve decided to do the noble thing and stop now that it’s no longer profitable.”

Trump’s Capitalist Victory Lap

Meanwhile, Donald Trump held a press conference atop a golden podium shaped like an eagle weeping into a cheeseburger. The event, streamed exclusively on Truth Social Plus Premium (Beta, Invite-Only, $99/month), celebrated the launch of his new digital platform: "LibertyCoin: Buy the Dip, Own the Democracy.”

“Nobody’s ever monetized freedom like me. I mean, George Washington? Total loser. Didn’t even trademark his wig. Me? I sold the presidency and I’m still selling it. Like a patriot,” Trump proclaimed, while handing out “Supreme Court Justices” as raffle prizes.

In addition to digital collectibles like “Justice Clarence Thomas’ Vacation Scrapbook” and “Ivanka’s Secret Service Fan Club Calendar,” LibertyCoin includes exclusive access to “Policy Picks,” a fantasy sports-style game where users invest in legislation likely to pass—based on real-time backdoor briefings.

“We Thought It Was Legal Because It Was”

When asked why Congress waited until after Trump’s full monetization of democracy to pass the ban, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer replied:

“It just felt polite. You know, let the man finish the grift. We're gentlemen. And gentlewomen. And gentleothers. It’s called decorum.”

Critics have pointed out that the law contains several loopholes, including:

• Members may still trade under their spouses’ names, children’s names, pets, or imaginary friends.

• They can “consult” for hedge funds at $50,000 per hour if they wear a novelty mustache.

• The law only takes effect in 2029, unless delayed due to “market instability or brunch plans.”

America Reacts With Mild Applause and Unbearable Cynicism

Across the country, Americans responded with a confusing mix of relief, sarcasm, and Twitter threads titled “This is Progress. Kind of. Maybe. IDK.”

TikTok teens celebrated by creating viral dances called the “Conflict of Interest Shuffle” and “The Pelosi Portfolio Pop,” while Boomers flooded Facebook comment sections with posts like:

“I’ll believe it when I see AOC selling Beanie Babies like the rest of us!”

One elderly man in Iowa summed it up best:

“Well, I guess it’s better than nothing. But so is food poisoning.”

In conclusion, Congress has decided to stop trading stocks—not because it’s wrong, but because they’ve already won. Trump, having sold democracy in six easy payments, now threatens to launch “The Apprentice: Dictator Edition” on Fox Nation.

As always, America remains… not sure.