07:00 PM PST (September 26, 2025) - N.S. EIC

Official Statement from Secretary Pete Hegseth, September 25, 2025

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to ensure that America’s most decorated war crimes remain properly laminated in the annals of national pride, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has officially closed the debate over the 1890 Wounded Knee Massacre by declaring, “Those boys earned their medals fair and square, by bravely shooting unarmed women and children in the snow.”

Standing in front of a refurbished Confederate monument and flanked by a reenactor dressed as General Custer holding a participation trophy, Hegseth announced that the 20 Medals of Honor awarded to soldiers of the 7th Cavalry would remain untouched, “because nothing says ‘valor’ like opening fire on a spiritual ceremony.”

“Let’s be honest,” Hegseth continued, “If we start revoking medals just because the recipients committed mass murder, where does it end? Next thing you know, we’ll be questioning the moral integrity of our entire imperial legacy. And I, for one, refuse to live in a country that doesn’t reward historical bloodlust with shiny trinkets.”

The Secretary then unveiled a new initiative: the Ghost Dance Suppression Ribbon, awarded retroactively to any soldier who successfully misinterpreted indigenous spirituality as a threat to national security. “It’s like a Purple Heart,” he explained, “but for feelings, specifically the fragile ones of white settlers who felt spiritually outgunned.”

Asked about the bipartisan “Remove the Stain Act,” which sought to rescind the medals, Hegseth scoffed: “Stains are for laundry, not history. We don’t remove them, we frame them.”

In closing, Hegseth assured the public that the Department of War would continue its mission to “honor the misunderstood heroes of American expansion,” including a forthcoming review of whether Andrew Jackson deserves a posthumous Medal of Honor for his contributions to forced migration logistics.

After the announcement, Mr. Hegseth hugged a beer bong, vomited on the stage, then stubbled off muttering, “Fuck, I pissed myself.”