08:00 pm PST (July 26, 2025 ) - S.S. C

Washington, D.C. — In a move that shocked sports analysts, historians, and every employee of the NFL's public relations department, President Donald J. Trump announced he is purchasing the Washington Commanders and plans to restore the team's "real name, spirit, and masculinity."

"Let’s face it, folks — the Commanders? What even is that? A tax form? A salad dressing? Nobody knows. But the Redforeskins? That’s America. Raw. Tough, slightly problematic — but in a nostalgic, freedom-loving kind of way,” Trump told reporters from a gold-plated podium shaped like a football.

When asked for comment, he said, "I want to Free America’s Greatest Game of All Time, or F-A-G-G-O-T for short"

Back to the Basics: Nostalgia and Gold Helmets

Under Trump's proposed rebrand, the team will be renamed "The Washington Redforeskins" — a name he claims “honors both the original moniker and adds a touch of cheeky innovation.”

“This isn’t just about football,” Trump said. “It’s about fighting woke-ism with end zones. It’s about making touchdowns great again.”

Trump’s version of the team includes uniforms redesigned by Ivanka and a yet-to-be-named men's luxury swimwear brand. The helmets will be 24-karat gold, inspired by “ancient Roman warriors, Las Vegas slot machines, and Melania’s taste in flatware.”

Trump at Quarterback: A New Season, A New Era

The former president also announced he will play quarterback for the 2026 season, citing his “perfect throwing arm,” “tremendous football brain,” and “undefeated record in imaginary sports leagues.”

*Statements from Trump contributed by L.’Ole.L.

“People are saying I’ve got the best spiral in politics,” Trump claimed. “I once threw a cheeseburger 40 yards — ask anybody.”

When asked about safety concerns, Trump assured reporters, “I’ll be fine. I’ll be protected by the greatest wall ever built on a football field. Twelve feet high. Maybe higher.”

NFL Response

The NFL has yet to formally respond, though insiders suggest league executives are “somewhere between deeply concerned and hiding under a desk.” Roger Goodell was last seen whispering “why didn’t he just buy the XFL?” into a cup of lukewarm Gatorade.

Public Reaction

Fans are divided. Supporters say Trump is bringing attention and gold-plated spectacle back to the game. Critics argue he’s once again “injecting reality TV chaos into places it doesn't belong — like government, football, or pants.”

Still, Trump is undeterred.

“I’m going to liberate America’s game,” he declared, “one touchdown, lawsuit, and awkward locker room pep talk at a time. Imagine those bid strong F-A-G-G-O-T Redforeskin's penetrating the end zones.”

This is breaking news. The quotes have only been verified by the author {NSN takes no responsibility for this content (Though, somehow we do the rest.)}.