Winner Gets Control of California National Guard and Nationwide Redistricting Rights

By NotSure News – Where Satire Smacks Harder Than the Steel Chair of Justice

07:00 AM PST (July 31, 2025) - N.S. EIC/S.S. C

SACRAMENTO, CA – In a desperate bid to unite a polarized nation—or at least rake in Super Bowl-level ratings—California Governor Gavin Newsom has formally challenged President Donald J. Trump to a no-holds-barred wrestling match, declaring it “the only language the MAGA base truly understands.”

The match, dubbed “The Battle for the Republic: Red, Blue, and Bruised”, will be held in the Rose Bowl, broadcast live on Pay-Per-View, and officiated by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in a referee tank top made entirely of recycled American flags and Tesla seatbelts.

"This is for the soul of the nation, and also the maps," Newsom said, flexing in front of a full-length mirror during a press conference at Erewhon. “If I win, we redraw every gerrymandered district to look like Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing yoga. If Trump wins, he gets control of the California National Guard and can rename Sacramento ‘Ronald Regan’s Left Testicle.’”

Trump, never one to turn down a microphone—or a flex-off—accepted the challenge within minutes via Truth Social:

“Gavin ‘Newscum’ thinks he can take on the CHAMPION OF THE FREE WORLD? Sad! I’ve been suplexing globalists since Studio 54. I’ve got moves ‘Sleepy Joe’ can only dream of—and I don’t mean Jiu-Jitsu, I mean PATRIOTIC VIOLENCE!!! LET’S WRESTLE, PRETTY BOY!!!”

Trump has announced his wrestling persona will be “The Don of Destruction”, entering the ring in golden spandex and a red cape made from repurposed Mar-a-Lago tablecloths. His signature move: “The Deep State Piledriver” or “The Diaper Rash Ripper.”

Newsom’s character, “The Green New Brawler,” will be powered by plant-based protein bars and righteous passive aggression. His finisher? The “Sanctuary Slam,” followed by a condescending lecture on water conservation.

Match Stakes:

• Winner controls redistricting for all 50 states.

• Loser must run a yearlong Twitter account where they agree with their opponent once a day.

• Loser also has to spend two weeks as Elon Musk’s unpaid intern.

Joe Rogan has been hired to call the match, alongside Rachel Maddow and Tucker Carlson, both of whom will sit side-by-side in an electrified commentary booth that zaps them every time they agree.

When asked about the constitutionality of the event, Chief Justice John Roberts simply replied, “The Constitution left a lot of wiggle room for tag teams. Madison loved a good suplex.”

Early Vegas odds have Trump favored in the first 10 minutes due to weight class advantages, but Newsom is expected to rally in the third round when he switches to climate-conscious Krav Maga.

Tickets go on sale next Friday. Prices range from $1776 for ringside seats to $0 for viewers willing to trade a functioning democracy for cheap thrills.

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