08:00 PM PST (August 9, 2025) - P.S. EIC

Los Angeles CA — ICE ditches Penske box trucks in favor of lime-green scooters with biometric handlebars and empathy sirens.

In a sweeping modernization effort, the Department of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) announced this week that its Urban Extraction Units will now conduct relocation operations using rented BYRD electric scooters instead of traditional relocation vans. The shift, officials say, reflects a commitment to “carbon-conscious enforcement” and “urban nimbleness.”

“We’re proud to be the first paramunicipal agency to go fully electric in our pursuit of spatial compliance,” said ICE spokesperson Glenda Torque, adjusting her reflective vest and hydration backpack. “Scooters allow our agents to glide into communities with minimal emissions and maximum optics.”

The scooters—rented from a variety of app-based services—have been retrofitted with biometric handlebars, collapsible empathy batons, and a “soft siren” that emits a soothing chime in the key of B-flat. Agents are trained to approach targets using the patented “Compassionate Coast™” maneuver, which involves a gentle lean and a non-threatening smile.

Critics argue the program is performative. “They’re still forcibly relocating people,” said activist Juno Spindle, founder of the nonprofit Wheels of Justice. “Just because you’re doing it on a scooter doesn’t make it whimsical.”

Internal documents obtained by NotSure News reveal that ICE agents are encouraged to “pause mid-pursuit for community engagement,” including handing out pamphlets titled “Your Rights During Relocation: A Coloring Book.” One training module, “Scoot and Subdue,” includes diagrams of how to issue citations while maintaining scooter balance and eye contact.

The department is also piloting a rewards program called “Tip & Scoot,” where citizens can report suspected immigrants in exchange for ride credits and branded ICE helmet stickers.

“We’re not just enforcing boundaries,” said Torque. “We’re redefining what it means to chase someone with dignity.”