09:00 AM PST (August 8, 2025) - S.S. C

Anaheim, CA — In what was originally billed as a wholesome family outing, Vice President JD Vance’s trip to Disneyland has spiraled into a surreal collision of immigration enforcement, character violence, and constitutional confusion.

According to a Wall Street Journal report, Vance’s wife Usha and their three children—Ewan, Vivek, and Mirabel—were allegedly swarmed by ICE agents while waiting in line for It’s a Small World, a ride known for its animatronic multiculturalism and slow-moving boats. The agents reportedly pulled the family aside for “routine questioning and urine samples,” citing a new pilot program called Operation Patriot Stream, which randomly selects families for “friendly chats” about border security.

Meanwhile, JD Vance, described by one witness as “smokey-eyed and visibly soused,” continued his solo tour of the park, allegedly engaging in a drunken brawl with Goofy after tripping over the character’s oversized feet and spilling his beer. “He kept shouting ‘Deep state dog!’ and tried to wrestle Goofy’s hat off,” said one cast member, who spoke on condition of anonymity due to fear of being sued.

Makeshift Detention Center Installed in Pirates of the Caribbean

Usha and the children were reportedly held in a temporary ICE facility constructed inside the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, complete with animatronic guards and a looping soundtrack of “Yo Ho (A Politically Sanitized Life for Me).”
“It was immersive,” said one ICE spokesperson. “We believe in family-friendly enforcement.”

When asked about the incident, Vance responded with indignation, calling the inquiry a “nasty question”, a phrase trademarked by President Trump and now available on commemorative mugs at participating Cracker Barrel locations.

“Usha and the kids were not detained,” Vance insisted. “They were merely participating in a friendly chat with our brave men and women of border control, learning about all the things they’re doing to make America safe again. Apparently it was a good talk because it lasted five hours and I wasn’t invited, so what else was I supposed to do? Fake news!”

$50 Billion Lawsuit Filed Against Everyone

In true Trumpian fashion, Vance immediately filed a $50 billion lawsuit against the Wall Street Journal, Disneyland, ESPN, NSN, NFL, OSHA, DOT, Microsoft, Kroger, Fox News Media, Rupert Murdoch, and “every living heir to the Disney fortune,” claiming defamation of character and “emotional damage caused by Goofy’s aggressive footwear.”

Disney’s legal team responded swiftly, offering to settle out of court with a 20% off coupon for concessions at participating AMC theaters and a free commemorative popcorn bucket shaped like JD Vance’s head.

Sources close to the Vice President say he is likely to accept the deal, with Trump publicly praising Vance’s legal team for “negotiating like real Americans—not like those weaklings who settle for just one lawsuit per scandal.”