10:30 AM PM PST (August 8, 2025) - S.S. C

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold attempt to silence rumors sparked by South Park, namely that Donald J. Trump is locked in a decades-long, sexually abusive relationship with Satan, Vice President JD Vance reportedly descended into Hell’s Fiery Furnace wearing MAGA-branded asbestos armor and far too much eyeliner for a man not in a band.

Eyewitnesses (mostly damned souls and one confused Pope) say Vance demanded answers from Satan, who was mid-oil massage and watching Fox & Friends reruns. Though evasive, the Prince of Darkness allegedly revealed:

• Trump and Satan have been “on and off” since Studio 54

• Ass play is “non-negotiable” and involves multiple interns

• Trump gets upset when Satan asks, “Are you in yet?”—a recurring issue

• Donald Jr. is “technically a demonic homunculus” born in a sulfur jacuzzi

• Despite multiple exorcisms, they “just keep crawling back to each other”

When asked if Trump is a selfish and abusive lover, Satan reportedly stared into the lava and whispered, “He cries after.”

Melania Trump, reached for comment while shopping for soul insurance in Prague, offered a chilling confirmation, “He only screams like that for Lucifer. I tried role-playing as Beelzebub once. He threw a Bible at me and called me Mike Pence.”

Vance, whose eyeliner reportedly melted into his tear ducts mid-interrogation, emerged from Hell visibly shaken and smelling faintly of Axe body spray and brimstone. Israeli officials declined to confirm reports that Trump physically assaulted Satan during a Tel Aviv dinner with Prime Minister Netanyahu after a dispute over who invented hummus.

The White House has issued no formal statement, though insiders say they hope Vance’s mission will quell rumors that Trump is a “thin-skinned, emotionally violent dick with a penis like a chewed crayon.”

(Breaking Update) — Sources close to the Underworld report that the Prince of Darkness—aka Lord Sulfurpants, aka Beelzebae—has been flagrantly unfaithful to his longtime political paramour, Donald Trump.

Eyewitnesses claim Satan was recently spotted cavorting with Benjamin “Bee-Bee” Netanyahu (Israel’s Prime Minister and part-time pyromancer) on the rooftop of the only building left standing in Northern Gaza and also seen in an intimate stroll on vacation in Ukraine with Vladimir Putin (Russia’s shirtless czar and amateur soul taxidermist).