By NotSure News – Real News for Unreal Times

08:28 PM PST (July 30, 2025) - N.S. EIC

Manhattan, NY – In a revelation that has the nation choking on its breakfast burrito, the FBI has released long-lost surveillance footage capturing the missing 60 seconds from Jeffrey Epstein’s jail cell—the exact moment during which the disgraced financier allegedly died by suicide.

And what enters the cell? Not a guard. Not Hillary Clinton in a trench coat. Not even a ninja dressed as Alan Dershowitz.

No. It was President Donald J. Trump.
Wearing his dopy suit and red tie, carrying the key to Epstein’s cell, and humming “YMCA.”

The footage, recovered from a dusty Betamax tape labeled “Geraldo Vault – Do Not Open”, shows Trump casually strolling into Epstein’s cell at precisely 11:58:59PM. He pauses at the door, looks directly into the camera, and says, “This never happened. You didn’t see me. If you did, you’re fake news.”

Eyewitnesses—specifically a janitor who only speaks in riddles—claim they heard Trump shouting from inside the cell, “Jeffrey, buddy, huge mistake not getting into Trump University. I could’ve taught you how to really get away with this stuff.”

At one point in the footage, Trump appears to lecture Epstein about “non-suicidal suicides,” then dramatically pulls a Sharpie from his pocket and scrawls “NOT TRUMP’S FAULT” on the wall above the bunk.

What happens next is currently redacted, though lip readers from Reddit are 83% certain he said something about “the Deep State being jealous of Mar-a-Lago’s suicide suites.”

He exits the cell at 11:59:59PM exactly, stops to fix his hair in the reflection of a broken security camera, then whispers, “You’ll thank me when you see the ratings.”

Critics are in a frenzy.

“This footage is either the greatest deepfake in history or the most honest moment in American politics,” said Dr. Linda Wokesbury, a political analyst and full-time bingo caller. “Frankly, I’m not sure which would be more terrifying.”

When reached for comment at a Denny’s in Sarasota, Trump denied any involvement.

“Fake footage. Total hoax. I wasn’t in the jail—I was at Epstein’s island, doing very legal things with very ‘adult’ people. In fact, I might buy that jail. Call it ‘Trump Tower Solitary’—luxury cells, tremendous walls, the best isolation. Everyone says so.”

A White House spokesperson declined to comment, but did send reporters a gift basket labeled “Thoughts, Prayers & Non-Disclosure Agreements.”

Developing…

Updates expected on the hour. Video footage of the missing one minute can be found on