10:00 PM PST (August 2, 2025) N.S. EIC/S.S. C

Sesame Street (Now Technically a Federal Disaster Zone)

In a move that stunned both the media world and the puppet community, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting (CPB) announced its immediate shutdown this morning, citing “irreconcilable differences with reality.” Within minutes, President Donald Trump responded with his trademark diplomacy: “You’re fired!”

But the real drama unfolded when Trump arrived on Sesame Street in a gold-plated golf cart, blasting Kid Rock and throwing what he called a “Freedom Fiesta.” The guest list included Ted Nugent, three confused interns from Newsmax, and inexplicably, the Hamburglar.

The Party That Broke the Street

Witnesses say Trump handed out MAGA hats to bewildered Muppets, replaced Oscar’s trash can with a luxury condo, and tried to appoint Grover as Secretary of Defense (“He’s blue, he’s brave, he’s got range,” Trump reportedly said).

Then came the mass firings.

“I looked Elmo in the eye and said, ‘You’re outta here, red,’” Trump told reporters. “He cried. I think. Hard to tell with puppets.”

But Elmo did not cry. Elmo punched.

Elmo Unleashes Fury of the Felt

In what experts are calling “the most emotionally satisfying moment in children’s television history,” Elmo delivered a swift uppercut to Trump’s jaw, sending his toupee into orbit. Big Bird reportedly squawked “FINISH HIM!” while Cookie Monster chanted “COOKIE JUSTICE!” and hurled oatmeal raisin grenades.

The skirmish lasted 12 minutes and was livestreamed by PBS Kids under the title “Today’s Letter is F—for Fired.”

Parents around the nation are up in arms. One stating, “Who is going to watch my toddlers when I’m masturbating?”

This story is exhausted and no updates are forthcoming.