01:00 PM PST (July 16, 2026) - N.S. EIC

In a bold move to be taken seriously, NotSure News has officially hired its first Washington correspondent; a position traditionally reserved for seasoned political journalists, but now filled by someone whose résumé includes “Never been arrested, just detained.”

The new correspondent, Tessa Lockridge, was reportedly chosen after demonstrating an “unusual ability to remain conscious during congressional hearings,” a skill that has eluded most of the existing staff.

Sources inside NotSure News say the hiring process involved:

• A single question: “Do you know what C‑SPAN is?”

• A follow‑up: “And you’re willing to watch it?”

• A final test: surviving 12 minutes of a subcommittee hearing on rural broadband allocation without screaming.

According to the official job description, the Washington correspondent will be responsible for:

• Attending press briefings and pretending to understand them

• Translating political jargon into normal human language

• Asking questions like “Is this… normal?”

• Filing stories before the caffeine wears off

• Not getting arrested

Unofficial duties include “keeping the rest of the newsroom updated on whether democracy is still happening.”

When asked for comment, a White House spokesperson reportedly said:

“We don’t know who that is, but they keep showing up. They brought snacks once. It was fine.”

Meanwhile, several reporters from major networks expressed concern that NotSure News now has physical access to the briefing room.

One Reuters journalist was overheard saying, “They let them in? I had to submit three background checks and a blood sample.”

On her first day, the new correspondent:

• Asked the Senate Sergeant‑at‑Arms where the bathroom was

• Accidentally sat in a seat reserved for NPR

• Took notes on the back of a Chipotle receipt

• Asked a cabinet secretary if they “felt like a main character today”

Background: Tessa Lockridge, The NotSure News Washington Correspondent

Tessa Lockridge was born somewhere between a bus station and a breaking story. Her early years remain a mystery, mostly because she refuses to answer questions that start with “where.” She allegedly studied journalism at a community college that no longer exists, then spent two decades freelancing for publications that also no longer exist. Her career trajectory resembles a graph of public trust in media: steep decline, brief recovery, then chaos.

Before joining NotSure News, Tessa worked as a “rotational correspondent” for several outlets, meaning she rotated between being fired and rehired depending on who she offended that week. She’s known for her ability to file stories from anywhere, press rooms, stairwells, and once, a stalled elevator during a Senate vote.

Scandals

• The Coffee Incident (2014): Tessa accidentally spilled a venti cold brew on a senator’s briefing notes, then claimed it was “citizen engagement.”

• The Microphone Affair (2017): She was caught using a karaoke mic labeled “PRESS” at a White House event after her real one broke.

• The Credential Swap (2023): Used a colleague’s press badge to sneak into a closed committee meeting, then live‑blogged it under the headline “They’re Talking About Lunch.”

Enemies

• The Capitol janitorial staff: For repeatedly “borrowing” their extension cords for live shots.

• Three unnamed senators: One called her “a menace with a notebook.”

• The NotSure News HR department: They’ve tried to schedule her for mandatory ethics training six times. She keeps filing FOIA requests instead.

Current Status

Tessa Lockridge now roams the Capitol halls like a caffeine‑powered specter, armed with a notepad, a dying phone, and a moral compass that spins wildly but always points toward the nearest source. Her motto:

“If I’m not supposed to be here, someone should’ve stopped me.”