Meet Chip “The Source” Dabble, our newly appointed fact checker, whose résumé includes a brief stint at Reuters, a longer stint in rehab, and an even longer stint screaming “CITE YOUR CLAIMS!” at squirrels in a municipal park.

Chip is a recovering truth addict. His drug of choice? Verax; a synthetic compound that simulates the sensation of absolute certainty. Side effects include compulsive annotation, hallucinated footnotes, and the belief that every conversation is a deposition.

What Chip Brings to the Table:

• A sixth sense for fabricated quotes and a seventh sense for imaginary ones.

• The ability to detect bias in a haiku.

• A personal vendetta against ellipses.

Statement from Editor-in-Chief Not Sure:

“We hired Chip because he knows the truth. We keep him because he’s terrified of it.”

Chip now lives in a windowless office lined with corkboards, red string, and expired press passes. He fact-checks our satire with the intensity of a man who once tried to redact his own memories. He’s currently working on a 400-page rebuttal to a metaphor we used in 2019.