NotSure News Contributors:

The minds behind the madness. The voices inside your newsfeed. The unpaid contributors of the apocalypse.

Dr. Velma Crankshaft — Senior Analyst of Weaponized Nostalgia

Former dentist turned media theorist. Believes the moon landing was a marketing stunt for Tang.

Randall “Slippery” Gunk — Chief Correspondent for Reptilian Affairs

Lives in a crawlspace beneath the Capitol. Has never blinked. Once dated a lizard posing as Mitch McConnell.

Chad Vapeley — Director of Emotional Misinformation

Invented the phrase “vibe-based journalism.” Communicates exclusively through scented fog and TikTok duets.

Dr. Linda “No Relation” Kennedy — Editor-at-Large for Unsolicited Intelligence Briefings

Writes 12,000-word exposés on things no one asked about. Once sued the CIA for “emotional trespassing.”

Father Greg of the Unverified Order — Faith-Based Fact Checker

Blesses every article with holy water and a shrug. Claims to have baptized Elon Musk’s Roomba.

Bart O’Kavanaugh — Underground Bureau Chief

Broadcasts from a bunker beneath a defunct Arby’s. Specializes in mole people, sewer politics, and Subway sandwich espionage. “I like beer.”

Dr. Zandra Quark — Senior Editor for Quantum Conspiracies

Believes every headline exists in multiple realities. Once published an article that reversed time in Nebraska.

Countess Melania von Trumpstein — Special Envoy for Gothic Erotica and Presidential Marriages

Writes exclusively in blood and broken Slovenian. Claims Trump only screams like that for Lucifer.

JD Vance (Unofficial) — Vice President of Eyeliner and Infernal Affairs

Not officially on staff but keeps submitting handwritten memos from Hell. We publish them out of pity and fear.