07:00 PM PST (August 11, 2025 ) - N.S. EIC

COLUMBUS, OH — In a landmark decision to protect the delicate sleep cycles of Ohio’s wealthiest children, state lawmakers have mandated that public school buses now serve private school students exclusively—leaving poor public school kids to “figure something out.”

The move comes after a coalition of luxury vehicle owners filed a formal grievance titled “We Bought the Car, Not the Responsibility,” citing emotional distress caused by early-morning traffic, spilled oat milk lattes, and the existential burden of parenting.

Public Buses, Private Purpose

Under the new policy, Ohio’s public school buses will be rerouted to elite academies, where students are known to suffer from “chauffeur fatigue” and “Rolls-Royce ennui.” The buses will feature upgraded amenities including artisanal seat cushions, mood lighting, and a silent onboard butler named Gavin.

“We’re just trying to meet the transportation needs of families who’ve already done so much,” said Transportation Commissioner Bryce VanLeather, whose own children attend a school with a tuition surcharge for eye contact. “These kids shouldn’t have to suffer just because their drivers are unionized or hungover.”

Public School Kids Encouraged to “Innovate Their Commute”

Meanwhile, students attending public schools—many of whom relied on bus passes now eliminated by the same legislation—have been advised to explore “creative mobility solutions.” These include:

• Forming “Foot Clusters” to simulate the bus experience
• Using discarded Bird scooters as communal transport
• Piggybacking on wealthier students until security intervenes

The Ohio Department of Education has launched a new initiative called “Bootstraps & Backpacks,” which encourages students to “embrace the walk” and “consider the cardiovascular benefits of poverty.”
Limo Drivers Demand Relief

Ironically, the policy was prompted by a wave of complaints from private school limo drivers, many of whom say they were “never trained for school zones” and “don’t vibe with the AM.” One anonymous driver, known only as “Chaz,” told reporters, “I signed up for gala drop-offs and discreet exits from scandalous brunches—not this.”

In response, the state has promised to “liberate luxury drivers from the tyranny of punctuality” by outsourcing all private school transit to the public sector. “It’s about dignity,” said VanLeather. “For the limos.”

Data Shows Rich Kids Now 400% More Likely to Arrive at School in a Vehicle With a Working Horn

Critics argue the policy deepens educational inequality and punishes low-income families for not owning a fleet. But lawmakers insist the change is “fiscally sound,” citing the cost savings of not having to print bus passes for poor kids who “probably weren’t going to use them anyway.”

Notably, over 70% of the private schools benefiting from the new bus routes are religiously affiliated, prompting some to question whether Ohio’s transportation policy now includes a spiritual GPS. Officials declined to comment, but one aide was overheard muttering, “If the school has a steeple, it gets a diesel.”

Public school principals are now exploring alternative solutions, including:

• Launching a GoFundMe for a single tandem bicycle
• Training squirrels to guide students through traffic
• Rebranding tardiness as “arrival diversity”

Coming Soon: The Platinum Bus Pass (For Those Who Don’t Need It)

Sources say Ohio may soon introduce a tiered bus pass system, with Platinum members receiving door-to-door service, Gold members getting a wave from the driver, and Bronze members being allowed to chase the bus for sport.