01:00 PM PST (September 30, 2025) - S.S. C

In a move that left even the most seasoned Marines baffled, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth and President Donald Trump convened every four-star general and admiral at Marine Corps Base Quantico, Virginia. Their objective: implement a promotion and demotion system based solely on penis size, using a plastic miniature sausage as the official Trump standard.

“Officers, no one may outshine the Commander-in-Chief with his pants down,” Hegseth proclaimed from the Quantico briefing room podium, waving the diminutive sausage for dramatic effect. Any flag officer measuring longer than the sausage’s microscopic length would be stripped of rank and reassigned as a private. Those smaller than the sausage, he assured them, would be fast-tracked to the next star and receive an exclusive White House gala dinner invitation, for Republicans only.

Standing beside Hegseth in a sea of camo uniforms, Trump gave an enthusiastic thumbs-up. “I’ve swung golf clubs with these guys, they barely reach my drive,” he scoffed. He then ordered that all weapons and munitions be resized to accommodate his famously small hands, insisting that any rifle or shell must now fit comfortably in the palms of the man who once called the M4 “too unwieldy.”

News of the Quantico sausage summit triggered a swift backlash on Capitol Hill. Several Democratic senators, claiming their measurements set the national record for minimal girth, filed a protest with the Defense Department. They condemned the plan as body-shaming and juvenile hazing, demanding an immediate repeal of the pork-based promotion scheme.

As cameras rolled, Hegseth issued one last caution: “Don’t try to fake a micro-penis, you’ll be measured at the gate.” Marines queued before a folding table laden with calibrated sausages and precision calipers, trousers at half-mast, nervously awaiting their verdict. In the era of Operation Micro-Might, military rank may literally come down to size.

Whether this will go down as a turning point in civil-military relations or just another bizarre footnote in American history remains to be seen. Under Hegseth’s Quantico rule, at least one thing is clear: no general or admiral will ever feel comfortable with their pants on—or off—again.