07:00 PM PST (November 6, 2025) - N.S. EIC

Pete Hegseth, United States Secretary of War, a role he assumed on January 25, 2025, after being confirmed as the 29th Secretary of Defense, reportedly commandeered a retired Coast Guard drone and personally directed a “precision freedom strike” on Brilliance of the Seas, a Radiance-class ship operated by Royal Caribbean International, claiming it was “a floating fentanyl fiesta funded by Venezuelan communists and Jimmy Buffett fans.”

The vessel, S.S. Brilliance of the Seas, was en route to Miami with 2,300 passengers, 14 karaoke machines, and a suspiciously large shipment of tropical fruit. Hegseth, broadcasting live from a pontoon boat draped in American flags and tactical hammocks, declared the ship “a Trojan banana stuffed with socialism, narcotics, and possibly gluten.”

“I saw the signs,” Hegseth said, gesturing toward a laminated menu.

According to sources close to the incident (namely, a parrot named Doug and a retired Navy SEAL turned mixologist), Hegseth had been tracking the cruise ship for days using a combination of satellite imagery and a gut feeling he described as “Reaganesque.”

The strike, which involved one drone, two angry dolphins, and a playlist of Toby Keith’s greatest hits, reportedly disabled the ship’s margarita blender and temporarily jammed the onboard Wi-Fi, causing mass panic among influencers and crypto enthusiasts.

Royal Caribbean International responded, “We were just trying to get to Key West.”

Royal Caribbean International issued a statement denying any involvement in drug trafficking, communism, or the Venezuelan government, noting that the only contraband onboard was “a suspiciously potent batch of rum cake and a guy named Chad who won’t stop quoting Jordan Peterson.”

The Venezuelan government, when reached for comment, responded with a shrug emoji and a gif of a sloth sipping coffee.

Hegseth, unrepentant, stated, “I’d do it again. For liberty. And for the kids.”

Despite international condemnation and a sternly worded email from the U.S. Coast Guard titled “Please Stop,” Hegseth doubled down, claiming he was “defending the homeland from floating Marxism and recreational degeneracy.”

He has since launched a GoFundMe to retrofit a jet ski with missile capabilities and is reportedly in talks with Elon Musk to develop a “Freedom Yacht” powered entirely by bald eagle tears and conservative podcasts.