07:00 PM PST (August 8, 2025) - N.S. EIC

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has baffled aides, alarmed allies, and delighted diehard supporters, President Donald J. Trump has taken up permanent residence on the roof of the White House, declaring it the capital of a new sovereign entity: Camp MAGA.

Wearing a USA tank top and camo cargo shorts, Trump has reportedly been living in a deluxe Coleman tent since early August, issuing executive orders via flashlight Morse code and hosting cabinet meetings around a propane fire pit. “This is the most secure location in the country,” Trump told reporters through a walkie-talkie. “I’ve got a 360-degree view, a direct line to God, and the best s’mores in presidential history.”

Camp MAGA: A New Kind of Presidency

According to a laminated brochure distributed by the RNC, Camp MAGA offers a full slate of activities for visiting dignitaries and loyalists:

• Nuke Whittling: Guests carve miniature ICBMs from birch logs while Trump critiques their payload realism.

• Constitution Bonfire: Every night at 9 p.m., Trump reads random amendments aloud before tossing them into the flames.

• Late-Night Pillow Tweets: Trump dictates tweets to aides while lying in a sleeping bag shaped like the American flag.

• Beanbag Football Diplomacy: The nuclear football has been repurposed as a cornhole target. “It’s still lethal,” Trump assured.

Foreign leaders have been forced to adapt. French President Emmanuel Macron reportedly scaled the north wall with a bouquet of marshmallows and a peace offering of Nutella. “He said it was the only way to get a trade deal,” said one aide. “Trump made him sing the national anthem while roasting a hot dog.”

Security and Governance

The Secret Service has established a new division: Marshmallow Detail, tasked with protecting the president from raccoons, low-flying drones, and rogue senators. “We’ve never had to secure a tent before,” said one agent. “But he’s got the nuclear codes duct-taped to a lantern, so we’re adapting.”

Trump, meanwhile, has taken a more combative approach to rooftop security. He now spends several hours a day hurling water balloons at Secret Service agents, tourists, and anyone who walks within 200 feet of the White House perimeter. “It’s called deterrence,” he explained. “Nobody messes with Camp MAGA when they’re soaked and humiliated.”

Aides report that Trump has developed a complex targeting system involving binoculars, a rotating lawn chair, and a laminated chart of perceived enemies. “He hit Chuck Schumer from 300 yards,” said one staffer. “It was disturbingly accurate.”

Vice President JD Vance has taken over indoor operations, converting the Oval Office into a tactical laser tag arena. “The roof is sacred ground,” she said. “Only patriots may ascend.”

International Reaction

The United Nations issued a statement expressing “grave concern” over Camp MAGA’s declaration of sovereignty. Trump responded by launching water balloons at the UN building from a rooftop trebuchet. “We’re not part of your globalist swamp,” he said. “Camp MAGA is free, armed, and extremely flammable.”