04:00 PM PST (October 17, 2025) - N.S. EIC

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Young Republican group chat leak has revealed what experts are calling “the most sexually confused hate cult since the incel uprising of 2019.” But NotSure News dug deeper, and what we found is uglier than a MAGA hat made of foreskin.

The RESTOREYR WAR ROOM Telegram thread wasn’t just racist, antisemitic, and violently deranged, it was also visually repulsive. Our forensic cartoonist reconstructed the scene:

• Fat bodies, tiny heads: Like someone tried to build a human using leftover Funko Pop parts and pork fat

• Skin tone: raw chicken meets printer paper

• Facial expressions: a mix of constipation, confusion, and “I just Googled what a clitoris is”

One Kansas leader posted, “Sex is gay,” which experts believe is either a cry for help or a failed attempt at irony. Another member responded with a meme of Hitler in a crop top, captioned “Daddy’s fiscal discipline.”

JD Vance: Vice President of Deflection

While most Republicans condemned the chat, Vice President JD Vance took to X (formerly Twitter) to say:

“I refuse to join the pearl clutching…”

Which is rich, considering the RESTOREYR boys couldn’t clutch a pearl if it was surgically implanted in their palms. Vance’s defense was so limp it’s now being used as a metaphor in erectile dysfunction ads.

The RESTOREYR Lifestyle

These young Republicans weren’t just bigoted, they were tragically unfakable. Our sources report:

• Zero confirmed sexual encounters (unless you count crying during Jordan Peterson videos)

• A shared belief that “masturbation is Marxist”

• One member tried to seduce a woman by quoting Ayn Rand and offering her a coupon for a free gas station taquito

Their group chat included:

• Holocaust jokes

• Rape fantasies

• A poll titled “Would you rather be poor or Jewish?”

The Kansas chapter has since been shut down, but the psychological damage remains. One former member reportedly tried to join a libertarian dating app called “Free2Freak” and was banned for posting a photo of himself licking a copy of Atlas Shrugged.

If this is the next generation of Republican leadership, America’s future is:

• Fat, hateful, and sexually confused

• Fueled by chimichurri and incel rage

• Governed by men who think “1488” is a cool tattoo and “sex is gay” is a policy position

We’re preparing a full dossier titled “RESTOREYR: The Hate Chat That Ate Itself” complete with fake mugshots, JD Vance’s apology generator, and a flowchart titled “Am I Racist or Just Ugly?”

“The In-Flight Patriot Test” — A NotSure News Thought Experiment

Imagine you’re on a plane. The captain’s been replaced by a guy live-streaming conspiracy theories from the cockpit. The co-pilot is asleep, the flight attendants are selling NFTs, and the plane is clearly on course for a flaming crash into a mountain labeled “National Decline.”

Now ask yourself:

How many passengers would sit quietly, scrolling memes and sipping ginger ale, hoping someone else will storm the cockpit?

How many would whisper, “Well, maybe the mountain’s not that bad,” or “I don’t want to be rude…”

And how many would stand up, grab a drink cart, and charge the hijackers, not because they’re sure they’ll win, but because doing nothing guarantees the crash?

Now replace the plane with your country.

Same question.