11:00AM PST (July 23, 2025) - N.S. EIC

Washington, D.C. — In a stunning and deeply confusing move, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced today that the department will immediately cut all federal funding for cancer research, claiming that “cancer is not real” and was “created in 1979 by Jimmy Carter to sell more peanuts and chemotherapy.”

Speaking at a press conference from atop a handmade podium constructed entirely from expired homeopathy kits, Kennedy stated:

“Cancer is just a feeling, like gluten intolerance or jazz. The government has been lying to you since the Carter administration. The tumors? Placebo. The chemotherapy? Socialist antifreeze.”

Kennedy went on to accuse Carter, the deceased former president and amateur carpenter, of masterminding the "Big Cancer Hoax" after a failed attempt to sell mood-enhancing peanut butter in gas stations.

“They told us cancer came from smoking, radiation, or genetics. WRONG. It came from Camp David, and probably from Rosalynn’s deviled eggs,” Kennedy shouted, while holding a massive chart titled “Tumor = Government Wi-Fi.”

Insiders say the decision will redirect over $7.5 billion in cancer research funds to Kennedy’s new signature initiative: Project Lymphoclear, which consists of distributing herbal throat sprays, copper bracelets, and YouTube videos of crystals humming.

“You don’t need chemo,” Kennedy explained. “You need exposure to sunlight, truth, and my uncle’s ghost.”

Reactions from the medical community have ranged from confusion to full-blown stroke. Dr. Amanda Weiss, head of oncology at Johns Hopkins, was found sobbing into a copy of Gray’s Anatomy, whispering, “This can’t be happening… again.”

RFK Jr. has also called for the removal of the word “cancer” from all U.S. textbooks and medical forms, proposing it be replaced with the phrase “emotional hiccup.”

In response, conspiracy groups across the country are reportedly thrilled. One TruthSocial user posted:

“I KNEW MY GRANDMA WAS LYING FOR ATTENTION. THANK YOU RFK!!!”

The new HHS slogan is expected to be unveiled next week:

“Healing Through Vibes, Not Science™”

Kennedy concluded his press conference by pulling a large tumor-shaped piñata labeled "Deep State Melanoma", smashing it open, and shouting, “BEGONE, CARTER!” as packets of echinacea and loose nickels rained down.

No expected updates to this story