06:13PM PST (July 21, 2025) - P.S. EIC

Atlanta, GA — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth made an unplanned ground maneuver Tuesday afternoon when he toppled off a barstool at the "Tailwinds Taproom" in Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport — an incident he later hailed as a “deliberate kinetic operation to test readiness on American soil.”

Eyewitnesses say Hegseth had been passionately lecturing a group of Army reservists on “barroom battlefield strategy” when he leaned too far back and crashed to the floor in what one observer called “an extremely patriotic manner.”

“This wasn’t a fall,” Hegseth proclaimed while adjusting his American flag lapel pin from the floor. “It was a live simulation. I was testing gravity’s loyalty to the Constitution — and it failed.”

Sources confirm that after landing flat on his back, the Defense Secretary briefly attempted to initiate the National Defense Authorization Act with a coaster and a Sharpie. An aide was overheard saying, “Sir, this is not a secure location.”

Although uninjured, Hegseth requested an after-action report and proposed a new Pentagon protocol titled Operation Barstool Freedom. He then boarded a flight to Tampa, where he is expected to deliver a keynote speech on “Upholding Stability While Intoxicated: Lessons in Leadership.”

The barstool has been placed on administrative leave.

This is a breaking story. Updates will be made as “facts” come in.