01:00 PM PST (July 24, 2025 ) - N.S. EIC

Mar-a-Lago, Florida — In a truly jaw-dropping attempt to shift headlines away from the reinvigorated Epstein scandal, President Donald J. Trump has entered the Red Bull Soapbox Derby—riding shirtless, greased up, and proudly astride a giant taco on wheels.

“I call it the Taco Supreme Court, because it’s the most powerful thing I’ve ever ridden—besides Melania’s disinterest,” Trump shouted to a crowd of stunned bystanders and mildly concerned Secret Service agents.

The taco-themed soapbox car, dripping in what experts suspect is both hot sauce and ego, featured golden shell panels, shredded-lettuce fringe, meat and cheese and wheels made from repurposed Melania shoe soles. Guacamole cannons mounted on each side occasionally misfired, hitting nearby reporters and one confused raccoon. We understand that the racoon’s attorney in looking into a possible case.

Trump, sporting nothing but an American flag speedo, cowboy boots, and a bronzed glow last seen on rotisserie chickens, addressed the press from atop the taco, “Look, I’m shirtless, I’m fearless, and I’m faster than the Left-Wing representatives to fight for the American people. Epstein? Really? Still talking about that creep? Never heard of her.”

Red Bull officials initially tried to disqualify the taco-mobile for exceeding "acceptable condiment discharge and disgust," but caved after Trump threatened to start his own soapbox league—tentatively titled “Truth Box Derby.”

The run itself was a glorious mess. Trump’s taco cart launched down the hill at alarming speed, hit the bone shaker, shedding jalapeños and legal liability as it careened off course, crashed through a giant papier-mâché ‘Constitution of the United States’, and landed in a chili cookoff. Spectators described it as “like Evel Knievel meets late-stage dementia.”

J.D. Vance, sporting shadow eyes and narrating live coverage from a drone riding a drone, declared it “the bravest shirtless act of American sovereignty since Washington crossed the Delaware in in his underwear.”

Meanwhile, media attention veered sharply away from Epstein-related developments, with headlines instead reading:

• “TRUMP’S TACO OF JUSTICE FLIES IN THE FACE OF ACCOUNTABILITY”

• “SHOULD ALL PRESIDENTS GO SHIRTLESS? A CNN PANEL INVESTIGATES”

• “NEW POLL: 47% OF AMERICANS APPROVE OF TACO-BASED TRANSPORTATION”

Sources say Trump is already planning his next “vehicle of mass distraction,” rumored to be a giant inflatable cheeseburger powered by windmill conspiracy theories and karaoke, to distract from his next grift.

Also Trending:

• Rudy Giuliani mistaken for sour cream packet, detained.

• Ghislaine Maxwell files motion to “taco 'bout the real issues.”

• Marco Rubio has introduced a bill to erase all records of his prior government service ahead of accepting Trump’s nomination for Secretary of State, aiming to avoid conflicts with his new role. This move comes as he leads an investigation into alleged fake Russian influence in the 2016 election under Obama—despite his own committee previously affirming the interference, which now contradicts Trump’s current narrative.

• Red Bull clarifies: “We give you wings, not immunity.”

More as this story… unfolds like a soft tortilla. 🌮