04:00 PM PST (October 09, 2025) - S.S. C

In a press conference held from the 50-yard line of an empty stadium, lit only by a single spotlight and the glow of constitutional confusion, House Speaker Mike Johnson, dressed in his now-infamous “Bad Bunny” costume (lavender hoodie, bunny ears, and a chain of laminated Bible verses), announced his halftime show would include a bold theological reinterpretation of American jurisprudence.

“Due process is a liberal myth,” Johnson declared, adjusting his oversized sunglasses. “Habeas corpus? Sounds like a Harry Potter spell. Jesus didn’t need a warrant to cleanse the temple, and neither should Trump.”

The Speaker’s bunny persona, now dubbed “Blessed Bunny,” claims to have received a vision during a particularly intense prayer circle in the Capitol’s janitorial closet. “The Lord spoke to me through a pile of expired Peeps,” Johnson said. “He said, ‘Mike, my son, grant unto Trump plenary power over all branches of government, including the Department of Snacks.’”

Legal scholars were quick to respond. “This is not how constitutional law works,” said one visibly exhausted professor. “Also, the Department of Snacks isn’t real.”

Johnson’s halftime show will reportedly feature:

• A dramatic reenactment of the crucifixion, with Trump cast as all twelve apostles and the cross replaced by a golden escalator.

• A dance number titled “No Trial, No Problem,” performed by interns dressed as shredded copies of the Bill of Rights.

• A closing benediction where Johnson, dressed as a glittery Supreme Court gavel, baptizes the crowd in Diet Coke while chanting “Executive privilege is eternal.”

When asked if this performance might alienate viewers, Johnson replied, “If you don’t want to see a bunny preach the gospel of unchecked executive power, maybe you hate freedom.”

Bad Bunny, the actual artist, responded with a video of himself silently eating a carrot while staring into the camera for 45 seconds. It has already been nominated for a Pulitzer.