09:00 PM PST (August 13, 2025) - S.S. C

In a scene that has left travelers baffled and dieticians deeply disturbed,  presidential adviser Stephen Miller has been spotted at multiple roadside rest areas and gas stations across the Southwest, crouched over a clear plastic hose, sucking mayonnaise with the quiet intensity of a man who has stared into the abyss, and decided it could use more condiments.

Witnesses describe Miller’s setup as “part gas station, part charcuterie crime scene.” One motorist recalled pulling in to refuel only to see the balding politico tilting back like a competitive eater in the finals, the transparent tubing sloshing with thick, eggy substance. “I thought it was some kind of fuel additive,” said trucker Jim Norfleet, “then I realized he was… smiling.”

In an exclusive statement to The Spittoon, Miller confessed, “I know I have a problem. I’m hooked on sucking mayonnaise through a hose. My wife has given me an ultimatum: either it’s her or the mayo. I have some thinking to do.”

The addiction, Miller says, began innocently enough during the pandemic. “I was stressed. Grocery stores were chaotic. I just… started filling up old aquarium tubing with Hellmann’s and, well… it escalated.”

Escalated it has. According to local reports, Miller has been caught on CCTV “hitting the hose” in the dead of night, often pacing around like a man waiting for a hot fix from a mayo pipeline. The man even keeps an emergency “travel rig”; a 12-foot length of industrial food-grade tubing in the trunk of his sedan.

Friends are worried. “He used to care about politics, now it’s just the next squeeze of the bottle,” said one anonymous former colleague. “He’s lost weight, but only because mayonnaise is now his primary calorie source. His blood test came back 98% emulsified oil.”

Miller insists he’s “not ready for rehab,” but admits the habit is expensive. “Mayo prices are up. I’ve had to switch to store brand. It’s… not the same.”

When asked what he’ll do if forced to choose between his wife and his beloved condiment, Miller paused, eyes misty, a faint glisten of mayonnaise still on his upper lip.

“I’ll have to sleep on it,” he said. “And by ‘sleep on it,’ I mean park behind the Pilot Travel Center off I-40 and get one last pull.”

As ridiculous as this sounds to those not familiar with todays actual story and the illness of the current Arthurian administration, all we at NotSure News can tell you is to do your homework and see how on target this is.