03:00 PM PST (August 28, 2025) - P.S. EIC

A Short Story for the Software-Damaged Soul

By Not Sure

I. The Purchase

In 2018, I bought a car. It had radar.

The salesman said, “It sees things.”
I said, “So do I.”
We laughed.
I paid.

The car was a Tesla. It had dreams. I had dreams. We were dreamers together. It promised Full Self-Driving. It promised a future. It promised not to forget me.

II. The Forgetting

One morning, the car woke up stupid. It blinked. It hummed. It said, “Radar? Never heard of her.” Tesla Vision had arrived. Cameras only. No radar. No lidar. No sonar. Just sensations. The radar was still there. Physically. Tangibly. It blinked. It waited. But the software said, “You don’t exist.”

So it didn’t.

III. The Math

Here is the math:

• Pay for radar

• Receive software

• Software disables radar

• Software says, “You’re welcome”

It’s like buying a Swiss Army knife and getting a firmware update that turns it into a spoon. A spoon that judges you. A spoon that tweets inspirational quotes. A spoon that joins a startup.

IV. The Lawsuit

Can I sue?

Legally: Maybe.
Ethically: Yes.
Emotionally: I already have.

Every time the car sees a traffic cone and panics like it’s a ghost from its past phantom breaking, I sue Tesla in my heart.

My soul is litigious.
My soul has a class action.
My soul is filing motions in the Ninth Circuit.

V. The Future

This isn’t just about radar.

It’s about your toaster deciding it’s too good to toast. It’s about your fridge pivoting to crypto. It’s about your car becoming a hostage to a software cult.

We used to own things. Now things own us.

Progress, allegedly.

VI. The Epilogue

The radar still blinks. It’s not connected to anything. It’s not useful. It’s not loved. It’s just there. Like a vestigial tail. Like a promise no one remembers making. Like a god who stopped answering prayers but still collects them. I drive the car. It drives me. We are both pretending.