“The Age of Consent Is Just a Number”, Says Trump, Citing Medieval Marriages and Poe’s Cousin
Trump at White House Bill Kick-Off Meeting
03:00 PM PST (August 6, 2025) - S.S. C
Washington, D.C. —In a bold new initiative to distract from the Epstein files—and possibly rewrite the Constitution with crayons—Donald Trump has proposed lowering the age of sexual consent. But not for everyone. Just for “the right kind of people.”
At a hastily assembled press conference held inside the White House pressroom, decorated with cupids and NDAs, Trump unveiled his plan while gesturing toward a PowerPoint slide titled “Historical Precedents for Horniness.” Among the cited inspirations: King Richard II (who married a seven-year-old), Edgar Allan Poe (who wed his 13-year-old cousin), and “a bunch of presidents who liked ‘em young.”
“If Edgar Poe can marry his cousin and she’s 13, I don’t see the problem,” Trump declared. “Back then it was romantic. Now it’s a felony. What changed? The deep state, that’s what.”
He then clarified, unprompted, that he personally has never been into younger women, not even as a teenager.
“People used to say, ‘What’s wrong with that guy? He’s never dated a young girl, even when he was a young guy!’ I just happen to know a lot of powerful men who do. Sometimes they’re Ukrainian. Sometimes they’re 14. Who are we to judge?”
Legislative Momentum: The Billionaire Clause
Despite immediate backlash from Democrats, who called the proposal “ageist, transphobic, and legally deranged,” House Republicans are reportedly drafting a bill titled The Billionaire Consent Act. The legislation would allow adult men of “profound means” to engage in sexual relationships with minors aged 12 and up—provided the child signs a nondisclosure agreement and agrees to appear in a campaign ad.
“We’re making America great again,” Trump boasted, “one child bride at a time.”
He then posed for photos with a group of preteens holding roses, while Melania stared into the middle distance like she was trying to astral project.
“It’s good to be the President,” Trump quipped to Fox News, before shuffling offstage with a trail of glitter and legal ambiguity.
Bipartisan Whispers
Democrats, meanwhile, are reportedly considering quiet support for the bill. When asked for comment, Rep. Chuck Shumer shrugged, “I tried the filibuster. But if you can’t beat ’em… join ’em. Or at least get a good lawyer.”
Submitted by NotSure News contributor So Sure…
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