11:00 PM PST (September 24, 2025) - N.S. EIC

By Not Sure Media’s Department of Canine Misconduct and Aquatic Impropriety

Dog Beach, California — The sun was high, the waves were low, and the scent of sunscreen, shame, and Milk-Bones hung heavy in the air. Somewhere between the volleyball nets and the “No Humping” signs, a Saint Bernard named Buddy was undergoing what experts call “a behavioral rebrand.”

Buddy, age 8, had lived a respectable life: slobbering on passers-by, tolerating toddlers, and occasionally licking the inside of a discarded yogurt lid with the solemnity of a monk. But today, Buddy was being asked to perform a new trick—one that defied physics, ethics, and several municipal codes.

“He’s just not getting the rhythm,” said his owner, a man named Gak who wore mirrored sunglasses and a tank top that read ‘Motorboat Captain’. “I’ve tried peanut butter, positive reinforcement, and showing him old Baywatch reruns. Nothing works.”

The trick in question? A deeply misguided attempt to teach Buddy the art of motorboating titties, an act that, in human circles, involves placing one’s face between two consenting bosoms and making a sound reminiscent of a lawnmower having an existential crisis. In canine circles, it’s less a trick and more a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Local lifeguards were unimpressed. “We’ve had dogs dig holes, steal sandwiches, even run political campaigns,” said Officer Marla. “But this? This is a new low. He tried it on a golden retriever wearing a flotation vest. It was chaos.”

Animal behaviorists warn that teaching dogs human mating rituals is not only confusing but potentially traumatizing. “Dogs don’t understand objectification,” said Dr. Linda Pawson, author of ‘Sit, Stay, Consent’. “They understand snacks, squeaky toys, and the raw joy of rolling in dead fish. Let them have that.”

Buddy, for his part, remains stoic. When asked for comment, he stared into the horizon, then vomited up a piece of driftwood shaped like a broken heart.