08:40 PM PST (August 15, 2025) - P.S. EIC

In a move that surprised absolutely no one and disappointed everyone, President Donald J. Trump launched a verbal assault on the American Museum of Natural History this week, accusing it of “psychological warfare” and “penile propaganda” after stumbling upon an exhibit featuring anatomically generous Neanderthal mannequins.

“I walked in, and boom, there it was,” Trump said at a rally held in a parking lot behind a defunct Arby’s. “A caveman with a meat stick the size of a Louisville Slugger. Totally unfair. Totally rigged. I’ve seen better packages on a Vienna sausage.”

The exhibit in question, titled “Man Before Man: The Evolution of the Human Form”, has been on display since 1997 and features life-sized reconstructions of early hominids, including one particularly well-endowed Cro-Magnon nicknamed “Thump.” Museum officials insist the models are based on fossil evidence and anthropological consensus, not political vendettas.

But Trump wasn’t buying it.

“They’re mocking me,” he declared. “These so-called scientists, probably Democrats, are putting up fake cavemen with fake junk just to make me look small. Sad!”

Fox News Enters the Fray

Fox News host Jesse Watters, America’s Leading Straw-Fearing Masculinity Marshal, took to the airwaves in a segment titled “The Left’s Obsession with Genital Tyranny”, defending Trump’s honor with the fervor of a man who’s never seen a mirror.

“This is a coordinated attack on masculinity,” Watters said, adjusting his hair with the rage of a thousand suppressed insecurities. “Our leader is being mocked by liberal archeologists who clearly photoshopped those fossils. The exhibit predates the revelation of Trump’s condition, which proves they’re time-traveling perverts.”

When asked whether the museum should remove the offending mannequins, Watters proposed replacing them with “more modest, God-fearing cavemen, preferably wearing khakis.”

South Park Creators Weigh In

Meanwhile, the creators of South Park released a teaser for an upcoming episode titled “Trump vs. Thump: Battle of the Bone”, in which Trump attempts to sue the museum, only to be thwarted by a talking Neanderthal named “MegaDong” who teaches him the true meaning of humility through interpretive dance and fossilized slapstick.

In one leaked scene, Eric Cartman dons a MAGA hat and tries to convince the museum to replace the exhibit with a wax figure of Trump holding a magnifying glass over his own crotch, yelling “It’s huge if you squint!”

The Bigger Picture

Anthropologists have responded with a collective sigh, noting that Trump’s reaction is “a fascinating case study in postmodern ego collapse.”

Dr. Linda Bonewitz, curator of the exhibit, said, “We never imagined our work would be politicized. These models are meant to educate the public about human evolution, not trigger existential meltdowns in former presidents.”

She added, “If anything, it’s a reminder that evolution doesn’t always favor emotional maturity.”