04:51PM PST (July 22, 2025) - P.S. EIC

By NotSure New’s Bureau of Unnecessary Clarity

Washington, D.C. — America, once a land of mild chaos and medium freedoms, has officially entered its “authoritarian chic” phase. President Donald J. Trump, now in his second term thanks to a clerical error no one’s allowed to correct, has deployed federal military forces to several harmless American cities; not to quell unrest, but to remind everyone who’s boss.

“We’re not invading,” he clarified. “We’re just visiting. With tanks. And helicopters. And a firm tone.”

The cities in question, D.C., Los Angeles, Madison, Boise, Santa Fe, and a retirement-themed suburb called Whispering Pines, had committed no crimes, staged no uprisings, and in one case, were unaware they’d been occupied until a Humvee drove through a farmer’s market and asked for directions to the nearest flagpole.

The Logic of Power

The official explanation from the White House was “preventative patriotism.” A spokesperson wearing mirrored sunglasses and a permanent frown explained that “sometimes freedom needs a little supervision.”

“We’re not taking over,” he said. “We’re just making sure everyone’s facing the right direction when they salute.”

Citizens were encouraged to remain calm, wave politely at armored vehicles, and avoid using words like “autocracy,” “dictatorship,” or “hey, what the hell is going on?”

The New Normal

In this new America, elections are held annually but only one name appears on the ballot. The national bird has been changed from the bald eagle to a surveillance drone with a MAGA sticker. Civics classes now teach “How to Agree Faster,” and history textbooks have been updated to include a chapter titled The Time Before Trump: A Period of Confusion and Weak Hats.

“We’re stronger now,” said one official. “Less debate. More uniforms.”

Resistance Is Mild

A few citizens attempted resistance by wearing mismatched socks or speaking in metaphors. One man in Vermont tried to organize a protest but accidentally created a book club. Another woman in Arizona refused to stand for the national anthem and was gently escorted to a “recalibration lounge” where she was offered chamomile tea and a 12-hour documentary on loyalty.

“I didn’t know I was being reeducated,” she said. “I thought it was a spa.”

The Future Is Loud

Plans are underway to install loudspeakers in every town square that play inspirational speeches and trumpet solos on a loop. The president has proposed a new holiday called “Obedience Day,” during which citizens will reenact moments of national compliance while wearing themed jumpsuits.

“It’s not about control,” Trump explained. “It’s about unity. And also control.”