04:02 PM PST (August 6, 2025) - S.S. C

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference that began with a fog machine and ended with a meat product held aloft like Excalibur, President Donald J. Trump formally addressed what he called “the most vicious hoax in American history”: allegations that he possesses a micro-penis.

“It’s fake news. It’s penis fraud. And frankly, it’s racist against small sausages,” Trump declared, flanked by cardboard cutouts of himself in various states of imagined arousal.

He blamed the rumor’s virality on two sources: Barack Obama, whose “presidential penis set an impossibly high standard,” and the latest South Park episode, which features a sentient, whispering Trump appendage named “Lil’ Donnie.”

“Obama’s got that Harvard hog. Everybody knows it. It’s not fair. He ruined the curve,” Trump lamented. “And South Park—they made my guy talk like a chipmunk. It’s defamation. I’m suing the cartoon.”

The Sausage Reveal

To prove his point, Trump reached into his front pocket and produced what appeared to be a Vienna sausage, which he held up next to a laminated photo of the Washington Monument.

“This is not micro. This is yuge. Some people are saying it’s the biggest one in America. I wouldn’t disagree,” he said, rotating the sausage for dramatic effect.

Reporters gasped. One fainted. Fox News immediately cut to commercial.

“Nobody’s Got a Better One”

When CNN’s Manu Raju asked why he chose to reveal such intimate details, Trump responded with characteristic bravado, “I’m proud of it. Nobody’s got a better one. I’ll put mine up against anyone. Even Lincoln. Especially Lincoln.”

At this point, Senator Lindsey Graham, who is introducing the Presidential Genital Certification Act (PGCA). See below for the bills text.

. emitted what witnesses described as “a high-pitched squeal of delight,” followed by a brief fainting spell and a whispered “God bless America.”

Biden’s Alleged Presidential Pecker

Trump then pivoted to attacking President Joe Biden, accusing him of harboring “the smallest presidential pecker in recorded history,” citing an anonymous source known only as “Hunter’s laptop.”

“Crooked Joe’s got a thimble down there. It’s embarrassing. It’s why he walks like that,” Trump muttered before abruptly ending the press conference.

As he exited, he could be heard mumbling, “I’m yuge. Everybody says so. Even the sausage agrees.”

Below is the draft of new legislation introduced by a rogue coalition of performative populists:

Presidential Genital Certification Act (PGCA)

Draft Bill No. 6969 — Sponsored by Rep. Hugh G. Rection (FL) and Sen. Anita Mandate (NV)

Purpose

To ensure transparency, accountability, and anatomical adequacy in the highest office of the United States by requiring all presidential candidates to undergo certified genital measurement, documentation, and public disclosure prior to ballot eligibility.

Key Provisions

Section 1: Mandatory Measurement Protocol

·       All candidates must submit to a standardized genital measurement conducted by the Federal Bureau of Phallic Integrity (FBPI).

·       Measurements shall be taken in both flaccid and “campaign-ready” states.

·       A certified sausage of comparable size must be selected for visual reference.

Section 2: Public Disclosure Requirements

·       Results shall be published in the Congressional Sausage Ledger and displayed on the candidate’s official campaign website.

·       Candidates may opt to include artistic renderings, holograms, or 3D-printed replicas for enhanced voter engagement.

Section 3: Historical Benchmarking

·       Genital dimensions shall be compared against the Presidential Girth Archive, a newly established database curated by the Smithsonian’s Department of Anatomical Americana.

·       Bonus points awarded for exceeding Lincoln’s legendary “log cabin lumber.”

Section 4: Debate Eligibility

·       Candidates failing to meet the minimum threshold (as defined by the bipartisan “No Micro, No Macro” Commission) shall be barred from televised debates.

·       Exceptions may be granted for candidates who demonstrate exceptional charisma, policy depth, or “compensatory hand gestures.”

Section 5: Enforcement & Penalties

·       False reporting shall result in immediate disqualification and mandatory appearance on Dr. Phil.

Repeat offenders will be sentenced to 30 days in the National Sausage Museum of Shame, located in Scranton, PA.