08:00 PM PST (October 22, 2025) - N.S. EIC

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has ordered the complete demolition of the West Wing to make room for a state-of-the-art, 18-hole miniature golf course. The new facility, dubbed “Trump National Micro-Golf: Executive Edition,” will feature glow-in-the-dark turf, animatronic Founding Fathers, and a replica of Mount Rushmore where each president’s mouth doubles as a hole.

“This is a tremendous upgrade,” Trump said during a press conference held on the rubble of the former Situation Room. “The West Wing was old, dusty, and full of people asking me questions. Now it’s got windmills (which I hate), loop-de-loops, and a hole where you putt through Hillary’s emails. It’s very therapeutic.”

The president claims the decision will save taxpayers “hundreds of millions of dollars” by eliminating the need to fly to Mar-a-Lago for his regular golf outings. “Every time I travel, the entire government comes with me, Secret Service, press corps, nuclear football guy, the guy who holds the Diet Coke. It’s very expensive. Now I can play right here, and the country saves bigly.”

Critics have pointed out that the West Wing housed essential operations, including the Oval Office, the Cabinet Room, and the only printer that still works. But Trump was unfazed. “We’re moving the Oval Office to the 9th hole. It’s got a little bridge and a waterfall. Very classy.”

Sources close to the president say he chose miniature golf because “it’s the only kind of golf he can still play without confusing the ball for a Tic Tac.” One anonymous aide added, “He tried swinging a real club last week and declared war on a sand trap.”

The course will be open to select members of Congress, foreign dignitaries, and anyone who can beat Trump’s score, which he preemptively set at “a perfect 18.” The Secret Service has already installed a bunker behind the windmill obstacle, in case diplomacy breaks down mid-putt.

Meanwhile, inflation continues to squeeze everyday Americans, with grocery prices soaring and rent climbing faster than Trump’s handicap. But the president insists the new course is a win for the people. “This is infrastructure. Obama had roads. I have ramps and pirate ships. It’s the same thing.”

Construction is expected to finish by next month, just in time for the annual G7 summit, which will now be held on the 13th hole, a replica of the Liberty Bell that rings every time someone misses.

As one senior official put it, “We used to have policy briefings. Now we have scorecards. Honestly, it’s more productive.”

Stay tuned for next week’s announcement: replacing the Lincoln Bedroom with a bounce house to “boost morale.”