Trump Offers Putin Ceasefire-for-Date Deal, Putin Counters With Pancake Rights
12:00 PM PST (October 22, 2025) - S.S. C
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In what experts are calling “a bold fusion of romance and realpolitik,” President Donald Trump has reportedly offered Russian President Vladimir Putin a Ukraine ceasefire deal in exchange for a date with Melania Trump.
According to sources close to the negotiation, Trump proposed that in return for a “beautiful, very strong” peace plan, Putin would host an official ceremony naming Trump “King of Peace,” complete with a billion-dollar prize and a red-carpet parade “like the Nobel, but with more glamour.”
Putin, however, turned down the romantic overture, countering instead with a demand for “full access to all rare earth minerals and whatever else in Ukraine I might want.” Kremlin insiders later clarified that Putin’s true interest was in securing unlimited rights to Ukraine’s breakfast sausages and traditional pancakes whenever he visits Ukrainian territory.
Trump appeared unfazed by the rebuff. “Hey, not everyone wants a date with Melania, that I understand, believe me,” he told reporters. “But who could turn down those delicious pancake things with the tiny sausages? Some people say I have a tiny sausage — fake news, total fake news.”
White House historians were quick to note that no previous U.S. president had ever attempted to broker world peace through spousal dating offers. “It’s unorthodox diplomacy,” said one analyst, “but in fairness, it’s the first peace proposal in history that comes with a billion-dollar prize and a side of breakfast food.”
At press time, sources confirmed Trump was drafting a follow-up offer involving Kim Jong Un, Ivanka, and an all-you-can-eat buffet at Mar-a-Lago.
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