11:51PM PST (August 9, 2025) - P.S. EIC

San Francisco CA — In a desperate bid to clear his name of lingering Epstein-related allegations, Donald Trump reportedly contacted the defunct Discovery Channel show MythBusters, demanding they “scientifically prove” he never engaged in sexual misconduct. The request, delivered via a gold-plated fax machine and accompanied by a signed headshot, was allegedly titled: Operation MythTrump: The Truth Will Explode.

Sources close to the president say Trump believed the show’s signature blend of explosives, slow-motion footage, and vaguely scientific reenactments could finally “shatter the woke narrative” surrounding his ties to Jeffrey Epstein. “If they can bust myths about cement trucks and rocket-powered sleds,” Trump reportedly said, “they can bust the myth that I ever did anything wrong, ever, with anyone, especially teens, especially on an island.”

The Experiment

Despite being off-air since 2016, a rogue team of ex-MythBusters interns agreed to run a simulation in an abandoned hangar outside Reno. The experiment involved: 

• A replica of Epstein’s private jet, built from discarded Mar-a-Lago pool furniture.

• A dozen crash test dummies modeled after teenage girls, dressed in prom attire and fitted with trauma sensors.

• A wax Trump figure programmed to repeat phrases like “I’ve never met her,” “She was very mature for her age,” and “I only flew coach.”

The goal: determine whether the dummies would “feel violated” in proximity to the Trump figure under various conditions, including simulated massage sessions, awkward dinner parties, and forced photo ops.

The Results

Despite multiple attempts to tweak the variables, the teen girl dummies consistently registered high levels of discomfort, emotional distress, and “creepy uncle energy.” One dummy reportedly short-circuited after being asked to sit on Trump’s lap for a mock deposition.

Lead technician “Rusty” McPherson said, “We tried everything—changed lighting, swapped out the wax Trump for a papier-mâché version, even played Kid Rock to lighten the mood. But every time, the dummies still accused him.”

Trump Responds

In a Truth Social post typed entirely in Comic Sans, Trump dismissed the results as “FAKE SCIENCE” and accused the dummies of being “Deep State mannequins” planted by Rosie O’Donnell. He also claimed the experiment violated his constitutional right to “be mythically exonerated by television.”

Discovery Channel Statement

A spokesperson for Discovery Channel clarified that MythBusters has no plans to return and “would never participate in a stunt that weaponizes science against survivors or basic human decency.” They added, “We bust myths, not trauma.”