03:36 PM PST (July 22, 2025) - P.S. EIC

Washington, D.C. — In a characteristically baffling turn, President Donald Trump has allegedly instructed the Department of Justice to “immediately and aggressively” investigate the death of rock legend Ozzy Osbourne — a move insiders say is intended to divert attention from resurfacing questions about Trump’s long-rumored ties to Jeffrey Epstein.

Sources close to the DOJ claim Trump called the Attorney General, Pam Bondi, just hours after news of Osbourne’s passing broke. “He said something like, ‘It’s too convenient. Everyone’s talking about me and the Epstein stuff again, and now — boom — Ozzy dies? Suspicious. Very suspicious,’” said one DOJ aide on condition of anonymity.

“He told us Ozzy was probably assassinated by the deep state, or Meghan Markle, or possibly scientists,” said one bewildered DOJ staffer.

According to leaked notes from the call, Trump demanded an “urgent inquiry” into whether Osbourne was “taken out by Joe Biden, the Clintons, or Anthony Fauci.” He then suggested the incident could be part of a broader global conspiracy “involving rock music, China, and possibly wind turbines.”

Trump reportedly claimed the Black Sabbath frontman’s death” was “too convenient,” occurring at “the exact same time” as new reports linking him to Epstein flight logs, client list and Mar-a-Lago guest lists. “Why would the media focus on some island when America just lost a rock and roll hero?” Trump allegedly said. “Coincidence? I don’t think so. Think about it. Bats. Secrets. Very suspicious.”

Trump, a known fan of classic rock but not known to have ever met Osbourne, reportedly told aides, “The Prince of Darkness knew things. He was too loud, too famous, and frankly too British. The timing is just… perfect for the fake news to stop talking about Epstein. Let’s get ahead of this.”

Aides say he also floated the idea of a Truth Social campaign called #OzzyDidn’tKillHimself, despite no indication of foul play.

Meanwhile, fans around the world are mourning the loss of Osbourne, whose decades-long career helped define heavy metal. Tributes have poured in — none, as of yet, from Trump, though insiders claim he is considering a memorial rally in Ohio featuring Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, Hulk Hogan and a 17-minute monologue titled "Ozzy, Epstein, and What the Deep State Doesn’t Want You to Know."

At press time, the DOJ has not announced any investigation, and Ozzy Osbourne has not been connected to any global conspiracy.

This is a breaking story and may be updated as “facts” become available.