07:00 AM PST (July 24, 2025 ) - N.S. EIC

Palm Beach, FL — According to multiple definitely-leaked, definitely-incredible sources inside the Mar-a-Lago indoor tanning lobby, President Donald Trump has ordered former U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi to meet with convicted child trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell and offer her a “sweetheart patriot deal” in exchange for clearing him of any connection to her late partner-in-crime, Jeffrey Epstein.

The proposed deal? Exonerate Trump publicly, blame the Clintons, the Dalai Lama, and possibly Rosie O’Donnell — and in return, Trump will commute Maxwell’s sentence the week of his departure from the White House, or sooner, after the MAGA crowd is exiled in the 2026 midterms.

“Nobody knows deals like me,” Trump reportedly told aides while assembling a jigsaw puzzle of his own face. “We cut taxes, we cut regulations, and now we’re cutting a deal with Ghislaine. Believe me, the base of boobs will love it. They'll say she was framed by Fauci.”

Bondi, who famously served on Trump’s impeachment defense team and once accepted a $25,000 check from a Trump charity while deciding not to investigate Trump University (a TRUE fact), was seen entering a Manhattan federal facility wearing sunglasses, a trench coat, and a "Free Ghislaine" T-shirt.

A Quick Review of Reality Trump Hopes You Forgot:

Let’s not forget:

• Trump and Epstein were well-acquainted for years. In a 2002 New York Magazine profile, Trump famously said: “I’ve known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do — and many of them are on the younger side.”

• Trump was photographed with Epstein and Ghislaine multiple times, including at Mar-a-Lago parties.

• Flight logs show Epstein’s private jet, the Lolita Express, landed at airports near Trump properties and that he was on them. Also, that Jefferey Epstein and his brother Mark were on Trumps plane (See other outlets for Mark Epstein’s’ recount).

• Court documents and whistleblowers have long alleged Epstein’s Palm Beach estate had ties to the same elite social circle Trump thrived in and used by Epstein and Maxwell to recruit little girls.

• Asking for the Grand Jury testimony is, as Pam Bondi acknowledged in the filing, protected under law and only a tiny fraction of the evidence that the DOJ is holding on to.

• Trump has been found guilty of rape in his civil case and liable, court mandated, to pay $83.3 million.

• Marco Rubio has introduced a bill to erase all records of his prior government service ahead of accepting Trump’s nomination for Secretary of State, aiming to avoid conflicts with his new role. This move comes as he leads an investigation into alleged fake Russian influence in the 2016 election under Obama—despite his own committee previously affirming the interference, which now contradicts Trump’s current narrative.

So what’s the Trump strategy now? According to aides, it’s simple: “Distract, deny, and throw Ghislaine a MAGA hat and a pardon.”

“Look, my people don’t even know how to spell Epstein,” Trump allegedly said. “If Ghislaine goes on Newsmax and says I was a good boy, boom — I’m a patriot again. It’s like January 6, but with more eye shadow.”

White House hopefuls and convicted felons alike are reportedly furious at the potential deal. Jacob Anthony Chansley, also known as the QAnon Shaman, said, “That woman was found guilty of trafficking minors. How are we pretending no one knows who she trafficked them to?” — before mysteriously disappearing into a hedge behind the podium.

Meanwhile, Marjorie Taylor Greene has called for Maxwell to be named “interim ambassador to truth,” and declared that the entire Epstein scandal was “actually an interdimensional CIA blackmail ritual targeting Alpha Males.”

Maxwell has not commented, though prison sources say she recently received an envelope labeled “PRIVATE – FROM D.J.T.” containing one McDonald’s coupon, a Sharpie, and a drawing of Hillary Clinton holding a pizza.

In Related News:

• Trump is also reportedly considering naming Rudy Giuliani as “Head of Child Safety,” pending availability of his bail bondsman.

• The right-wing media is pushing the narative that “Ghislaine was actually a whistleblower all along,” and that “Trump only hung out with Epstein to infiltrate pedophile networks, shirtless.”

As Trump prepares for another rough 6 months in office, sources say his plan is to “flood the zone with distraction, confuse the timeline, and pray to Reagan’s ghost for TikTok support.”

At press time, Bondi had exited the facility carrying a tote bag, a DVD of Home Alone 2, and what appeared to be a handwritten note saying: “DJT is totally innocent. Signed, Ghislaine. P.S. Let’s Make America Royal Again.”

If additional facts arise, we will update this story.