12:00 PM PST (September 30, 2025) - S.S. C

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump announced on Monday that he will personally lead a 2,500-mile National Guard march from Washington, D.C. to Portland, Oregon, aimed at “wiping out Antifa and the very dangerous Kars 4 Kids people;  total losers who can’t even drive.”

Trump, flanked by aides, explained the logistics: “I’ll be marching the first 47 steps,  a record number of steps, by the way, nobody’s ever marched better steps, and then I’ll helicopter out to New Jersey for a very important, very beautiful 10 a.m. tee time. But don’t worry, I’ll still take full credit for the entire march. Tremendous leadership.”

The televised march, tentatively titled Trump’s March for Freedom (and Ratings), will be formatted as a reality competition. Each National Guard member will battle for food, water, and shelter along the way by detaining the most immigrants. Extra points will be awarded for “bad hombres” who resist detention, as well as for detainees who fail to thank Trump, ICE, or “the very, very brave Border Patrol.”

By the time the troops arrive in Portland, the mission will pivot to detaining left-wing protesters and rounding up the alleged underage masterminds behind the Kars 4 Kids jingle.

“If we have time, we’ll look into the Shriners Hospital kids too,” Trump added, to cheers from supporters. “They’re guilty as hell. Nobody talks about it, but I will. I tell the truth.”

The march will be officially sponsored by Coca-Cola and the Indianapolis-based White Peoples’ Alliance Militia, whom Trump praised as “very fine, very thirsty people with great taste in beverages.”

Trump assured viewers that the televised ratings would be “higher than the Super Bowl, higher than The Apprentice, higher than Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, which by the way was not very well attended.”

“This will restore order, restore values, restore locker room talk, and maybe restore America itself,” Trump declared, before promising that the final episode would feature “a very dramatic elimination round” in which the losing Guard members are reassigned to Mar-a-Lago valet duty.

Local officials in Portland, meanwhile, issued a statement:

“We would like to remind residents that there is no war against Kars 4 Kids. Please stop calling 911 about the jingle.”