07:00 PM PST (October 22, 2025) - S.S. C

In a bold new initiative dubbed the “Fairness Through Punishment Act,” President Donald Trump announced sweeping tariffs on U.S. states that failed to vote for him in the 2024 election. The tariffs, which range from 10% to 100%, will be applied to all interstate commerce originating from “disloyal territories,” with exceptions granted to states that issue “sincere apologies” and agree to subsidize Trump-branded golf courses, hotels, and commemorative statues.

“I got big, beautiful tariffs for California, you can believe me,” Trump declared at a press conference held on the 18th green of Mar-a-Lago’s newly renamed Executive Vengeance Course. “They’re gonna have to pay through the nose to sell things to us. That’s how you teach respect.”

When informed that California produces the majority of the nation’s food crops, Trump appeared momentarily confused.

“I get all my food from the grocery store,” he said. “They have everything. Even the little oranges.”

According to the administration’s official tariff chart, released on Truth Social and printed on cocktail napkins, the penalty rates are calculated based on the percentage of a state’s population that voted for Trump. States with less than 30% support face the full 100% tariff, while those above 70% are rewarded with “economic blessings,” including federal grants to build Trump-themed amusement parks.

Florida, which voted overwhelmingly for Trump, has already broken ground on TrumpWorld: The Patriotic Experience, featuring attractions like “The Wall of Fun,” “Tweet Mountain,” and “The Inflation Simulator.”

Economists are divided on the efficacy of the plan. Some call it “a masterclass in economic nihilism,” while others describe it as “a brilliant way to turn domestic trade into a hostage negotiation.”

Most agree, however, that the Trump family stands to quadruple its wealth, as Trump-branded resorts, licensing deals, and tariff exemptions funnel billions into family coffers.

“The economy doesn’t stop at state borders,” said Dr. Linda Furlong, a supply chain analyst. “This will disrupt everything, food, medicine, manufacturing. Inflation will spike. But the Trump family will be fine. They’ve already trademarked ‘Tariff-Proof Beef Jerky.’”

States seeking exemption must submit a formal apology, signed by at least 10% of their population, and commit to building at least one Trump-branded infrastructure project. Suggested options include:

• Trump Tower Grain Silos

• The Donald J. Trump Memorial Toll Road

• Trump’s Presidential Library & Steakhouse

New York has reportedly offered to rename the Hudson River “The Great Trump Flow” in exchange for reduced penalties on bagel exports.

When asked whether he was concerned about the long-term economic consequences of weaponizing interstate commerce, Trump shrugged.

“People love me. The economy loves me. Tariffs love me. I’m the tariff whisperer. And if California wants to keep their avocados, they better start building a Trump hotel in every county.”