06:00 AM PST (September 23, 2025) - S.S. C

Amid his ongoing attempts to turn the Department of Justice into his own Department of Just-Us, President Trump has now called for an investigation into every single voter who dared cast a ballot for his opponent in the last two presidential elections.

“I really hate them all and wish them harm,” Trump told reporters in a press briefing “They’re hateful people, animals really, and we’re looking into them to see if they’re guilty, which I think they are—but we’re going to hold them accountable! Bigly accountable!”

When pressed on how the DOJ might investigate tens of millions of Americans, Trump offered a cryptic response:

“Well, let’s just say I’ve gotten some excellent, tremendous advice from my very good friend Vladimir Putin. Russia has a lot of experience with this kind of thing. People forget, Russia invented the purge before Hollywood made it a movie. And you know, Stalin, great Joe, the late great Joe Stalin—he knew how to handle losers. People say he was strong, tough, had a thick head of hair, black, very black, maybe the blackest hair. Also a mustache, tremendous mustache, almost as good as mine, if I grew one.”

Historians quickly pointed out that Stalin’s signature achievement wasn’t his hair care routine but rather political purges that killed or imprisoned millions. Stalin, who remains unavailable for comment due to being extremely dead, is still widely believed to have surpassed Putin as Trump’s ultimate “man-crush Monday.”

Meanwhile, critics warned that Trump’s plan could overwhelm federal resources. “The Justice Department doesn’t have the manpower to investigate 80 million voters,” one analyst said. “Unless, of course, they cut corners and just subpoena everyone who still owns a copy of Hamilton.”

For now, what this means for American politics is unclear—but insiders say the administration is already workshopping names for the program. Contenders reportedly include Operation Sour Grapes, The Grievance Inquisition, and Stop the People (Steal Their Rights).

As one Trump aide put it: “He’s less about ‘We the People’ and more about ‘Me the People.’”