12:00 PM PST (September 10, 2025) - N.S. EIC

Ah, the Trump-Epstein saga, America’s most uncomfortable bromance, now with 100,000 documents and a complimentary massage.

Let’s rewind to 2016, when Donald Trump, fresh off his electoral miracle, allegedly picked up the phone and called Jeffrey Epstein with the giddy disbelief of a man who just won a rigged carnival game. “Can you believe this?” Trump reportedly said. And Epstein, ever the gracious host, probably replied, “Congrats, Donnie. Want me to send over a celebratory massage? Swedish? Russian? Or the kind that comes with immunity deals?”

Fast-forward to today, and Trump’s memory has gone full Mar-a-Lago buffet, selective, bloated, and suspiciously undercooked. “I wasn’t a big fan of Jeffrey Epstein,” he insists, as if the guest list at his estate was curated by a morality algorithm and not a Rolodex of the rich and infamous.

Mark Epstein, Jeffrey’s brother and now the unofficial archivist of awkward phone calls, says Trump and Epstein had a falling out. Apparently, Epstein called Trump a “crook,” which in their circles is like calling someone “moist”, unpleasant, but not disqualifying.

Trump, ever the PR savant, claims he kicked Epstein out of Mar-a-Lago for being a “creep.” Which raises the question: what’s the creep threshold at Mar-a-Lago? Is it somewhere between “convicted sex offender” and “guy who eats shrimp cocktail with a spoon”?

Now, Congress has passed legislation forcing the DOJ to release every Epstein-related document they’ve got. That’s 100,000 pages of interviews, immunity deals, and possibly a few massage appointment logs with suspicious timestamps. Trump, sensing the political winds shifting like a toupee in a hurricane, reversed course and signed the bill. Because nothing says “I have nothing to hide” like a last-minute pivot and a signature that looks like a seismograph reading during an earthquake.

So here we are: Trump, the man who once allegedly called Epstein to marvel at his own victory, now distancing himself like Epstein was a salad bar sneeze guard. The documents are coming (though we at NotSure News don’t believe Pam Bondi won’t first try to withhold them citing “an ongoing investigation”). The massages are over. And the only thing more slippery than Trump’s memory is the oil Epstein probably used for his congratulatory rubdowns.

America, brace yourself. The truth is about to get exfoliated.