03:00 PM PST (August 26, 2025) - P.S. EIC

Washington, D.C. — Jay Carey, age indeterminate, soul scorched by twenty years of combat and one too many patriotic bumper stickers, lit an American flag on fire in Lafayette Park. He did this on a Monday, which is statistically the worst day to commit symbolic arson.

The flag burned. The sky did not fall. But the paperwork did.

President Donald J. Trump, who had signed an executive order earlier that morning to deter flag desecration with “vigorous prosecution and maybe a little razzle-dazzle,” was reportedly watching reruns of The Apprentice when the incident occurred. Upon hearing the news, he declared the protest “a disgrace to the cloth” and promised to have Melania redesign the American flag herself, using “stronger thread, better stars, and fewer stripes, maybe just one big stripe that says TRUMP.”

Carey, armed with a megaphone and a constitutional education, shouted toward the White House, “No Congress can infringe on First Amendment rights!” The White House, being a building, did not respond.

Authorities arrested Carey not for desecration, but for “illegal ignition of combustible materials on National Park Service land,” which is a crime punishable by up to three years in prison or one mandatory viewing of 1776: The Musical.

Attorney General Pam Bondi, recently appointed Minister of Flame Control, vowed to prosecute “anyone who burns anything that looks vaguely American, including flags, bandanas, and patriotic-themed cupcakes.”

The Supreme Court, which ruled in 1989 that flag burning is protected speech, was unavailable for comment, as it was busy debating whether freedom still exists or if it’s just a nostalgic flavor of chewing gum.

Carey, a fifth-generation citizen, was declared “a threat to decorative cloth” and is expected to be deported to Uganda by Kristi Noem, who recently discovered the power of executive teleportation.

“Trump desecrates the flag every time he puts his fucking name on it,” Carey said, moments before being escorted into a van labeled Freedom Transport Unit 7.

The fire was extinguished. The flag was gone. The park remained.