09:00 PM PST (August 15, 2025) - N.S. EIC

WASHINGTON D.C. — In what White House aides are calling “a monumental flush forward in global relations,” a critical moment in U.S.–Russia diplomacy occurred today in Anchorage Alaska in the most unexpected of venues: a cramped, beige-tiled restroom deep within a top secret US military base.

Sources say the meeting, nicknamed “The Stall Summit,” began after U.S. President Donald J. Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin found themselves seated across from each other on adjacent porcelain thrones. What started as an awkward exchange over a missing roll of toilet paper spiraled into a marathon negotiation lasting nearly 45 minutes, punctuated only by the occasional flush and a faint plop.

While details of the agreement remain murky, “dark and soft,” according to one bathroom attendant, diplomatic observers confirm the evidence included traces of undigested corn, several chunks of bull, and a suspiciously high level of methane.

Trump, speaking afterward with the air of a man who’d just eaten too much fiber, hemmed and hawed about what was actually agreed to.

“Listen, it was tremendous. Some of the best negotiations ever. People are saying the best. What we agreed to? We’ll see. You’re gonna be very happy. Or maybe you won’t. Who knows?”

Putin, in contrast, waxed poetic about the meeting.

“Donald and I have always had a… close relationship,” he said, pausing to sip from a water bottle in a way that made aides nervous. “Today, we shared more than just words.”

After delivering their opening remarks, both leaders exited the stage without taking questions, each trailing a thin streamer of used toilet paper from one shoe, a symbol many pundits now describe as “the new olive branch.”

Analysts are split on whether this “Toilet Accord” will lead to lasting peace, but one thing is certain: history will remember this as the day world leaders proved that diplomacy truly happens where the sun doesn’t shine.