07:30 PM PST (October 22, 2025) - N.S. EIC

In a bold new chapter of American governance, or possibly a deleted scene from “Succession”, President Donald Trump has formally demanded that the Department of Justice, which he currently oversees, pay him $230 million in taxpayer money for the emotional and financial trauma of being investigated by… the Department of Justice.

The claim, filed through an administrative process that legal scholars are calling “unprecedented” and “deeply weird,” seeks restitution for the FBI’s 2016 Russia probe and the 2022 Mar-a-Lago classified documents search. Trump, who once bragged about not taking a presidential salary, now appears to be retroactively invoicing the American people for the inconvenience of being held accountable.

“I was treated very unfairly,” Trump said from the Oval Office, flanked by Attorney General Pam Bondi, Deputy AG Todd Blanche (his former defense attorney), and a life-size cardboard cutout of himself. “Frankly, I should be getting hazard pay. I’ve been through more raids than a Call of Duty character.”

When asked about the optics of demanding a quarter-billion-dollar payout during a time of record inflation, mass layoffs, and $9 eggs, Trump was unfazed. “Look, the economy is doing tremendously, if you’re me,” he said. “And if I get the money, I’ll give it to charity. Maybe the Trump Foundation. Or Barron. He’s very charitable.”

Meanwhile, average Americans continue to navigate a financial landscape that feels like a Mad Max reboot directed by the Federal Reserve. Gas prices are up, rent is up, and the only thing going down is the number of items in a $100 grocery cart. But don’t worry, if Trump’s claim is approved, he might use the funds to “restore the White House,” which experts believe is code for installing a gold-plated golf simulator in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Critics have called the move “a masterclass in conflict of interest,” noting that the DOJ officials who would approve the payout were appointed by Trump and, in some cases, previously defended him in court. “It’s like suing your own reflection and expecting the mirror to cut you a check,” said one former DOJ official.

Still, Trump remains confident. “I’ve always said I’m a great businessman,” he told reporters. “And what’s better business than getting paid by your own government to sue yourself? It’s like Monopoly, but I own all the properties and the bank.”

As Americans tighten their belts, President Trump may soon be loosening his, just enough to make room for a $230 million windfall. After all, in the land of the free and the home of the brave, nothing says “public service” like billing the taxpayers for your legal drama.

Stay tuned for Trump’s next move: charging the National Archives rent for storing his presidential tweets.