03:51PM PST (August 28, 2025) - P.S. EIC

“They zoomed in like mall cops at Burning Man,” says crew boss as flames and confusion rage on.

In a scene that could only be described as Kafka meets Smokey Bear meets LimeBike, federal immigration agents wearing tactical masks and riding rented electric scooters apprehended two firefighters Wednesday as they battled the Bear Gulch Fire on Washington’s Olympic Peninsula.

The agents, reportedly part of a new “Mobile Compliance Strike Force,” arrived at the fireline in formation—helmets on, scooters humming, masks fogging from the heat—and demanded identification from crew members actively digging containment trenches. Witnesses say the agents paused only briefly to recalibrate their GPS and sip from branded hydration packs labeled “Freedom Electrolytes.”

“We Thought It Was a TikTok Prank”

Crew boss David “Buenos” Diaz recounted the moment the agents arrived:

“They came in hot—like, 12 miles per hour hot. One guy tried to do a power slide and fell into a smoldering stump. We thought it was a prank. Then they started yelling about visas and fireline jurisdiction.”

The detained firefighters, part of a contracted crew including visa workers and tribal members, were reportedly flagged by a federal algorithm that cross-references flame proximity with immigration status. The algorithm, known internally as “BlazeCheck™, has a 38% success rate and once mistakenly detained a Smokey Bear mascot during a school assembly.

Bureaucracy vs. Burn Rate: Round 2

Despite the arrests, federal officials insist the operation was “necessary and efficient,” citing a new policy that requires all wildfire personnel to carry biometric ID chips sewn into their Nomex suits. The chips, which also track hydration levels and patriotism, were not distributed due to budget constraints.

Governor Bob Ferguson issued a statement calling the incident “a tragic collision of combustion and compliance,” while Senator Patty Murray demanded an investigation into why the agents were allowed to rent scooters using disaster relief funds.

Meanwhile, the Bear Gulch Fire continues to burn, now joined by a smaller adjacent blaze reportedly started by an abandoned scooter battery.

Not Sure News Editorial Note:

When the forest is burning, and the people trying to save it are being chased by masked agents on electric scooters, it’s worth asking: is this still a country, or just a very elaborate escape room?