09:00 PM PST (September 19, 2025) - N.S. EIC

This is an opinion piece that we at NSN feel may be inherent to most families.

In a bold rejection of adulthood, 61-year-old John Blumble has achieved what scientists once deemed impossible: sustaining human life exclusively on Bud Light, bong rips, and the unwavering servitude of his 86-year-old mother, Shelia.

John, who has not held a job since the Carter administration, spends his days in a recliner he calls “The Throne,” issuing demands like a medieval lord whose kingdom consists of one living room and a permanently confused cat. Shelia, meanwhile, continues to cook, clean, and absorb daily verbal lashings for crimes such as “breathing too loud” and “not knowing where the remote is.”

“I’m on a spiritual journey,” John explained, lighting a joint with a candle Shelia lit for ambiance. “You can’t rush enlightenment. Plus, I’m still recovering from that time I almost applied for a job in 1997.”

Despite Shelia’s age and the fact that she now uses a walker to deliver his nachos, John insists she continue performing all partner-like duties, including laundry, emotional buffering, and pretending his conspiracy theories are “interesting.”

“He’s very passionate,” Shelia said, gently massaging her own temples after John spent three hours explaining how the moon landing was faked by lizard people who now run the DMV. “I just wish he’d shower.”

John’s daily schedule includes waking up at 2 p.m., yelling at Shelia for not restocking the fridge with “the good beer,” and watching YouTube videos about “quantum weed.” He refers to Shelia as “his ride or die,” though she has repeatedly asked to be just “die.”

Family members have staged interventions, but John dismissed them as “agents of the matrix” and accused his brother of being “a narc” for suggesting he pay rent.

When asked about his future plans, John said he’s considering “starting a weed-themed podcast,” but only if Shelia agrees to be his producer, editor, and unpaid intern.

Meanwhile, Shelia has begun quietly Googling “how to fake your own death convincingly,” and has reportedly started leaving open suitcases by the front door in hopes John might interpret them as a sign.