12:00 PM PST (September 10, 2025) - N.S. EIC

Pentagon claims vessel was “engaged in narco-smuggling,” despite being 400 miles off course and roughly the size of a minivan

A leaked military targeting photo has ignited international outrage after revealing the final moments of a small Venezuelan fishing boat destroyed by a U.S. missile strike. The image, captured from a drone hovering directly above, shows approximately eleven elderly fishermen gazing skyward, possibly at the drone, possibly at a passing sea gull, seconds before their vessel was reduced to driftwood.

Pentagon officials have defended the strike, citing “credible intelligence” that the boat was involved in a transnational drug-smuggling operation.

“We believe the vessel was transporting high-grade narcotics toward U.S. waters,” said Department of War (crimes) Pete Hegseth. “Yes, it was 400 miles off course, moving at 3 knots, and visibly overloaded with sardines, but drug traffickers are getting creative.”

Pressed on the boat’s modest size and lack of navigational equipment, Hegseth doubled down.

“Smugglers often use decoys. This particular boat was suspiciously small, which is exactly what made it dangerous. It was trying too hard to look innocent.”

The targeting photo shows the fishermen shielding their eyes from the sun, which DOJ analysts interpreted as “an attempt to jam drone optics using reflective forehead sweat.” One fisherman’s upward glance was flagged as “potential satellite communication,” while the boat’s net deployment was described as “aggressive and possibly coded.”

Venezuelan officials condemned the strike as “an act of maritime psychosis,” demanding reparations and a formal apology to the families of the fishermen, who were reportedly en route to a sardine festival. U.S. officials responded by reclassifying sardines as “dual-use aquatic contraband” and adding fishing boats to the list of “low-profile narco vectors.”

Maritime rights groups have blasted the Pentagon’s justification, calling it “a hallucinatory blend of paranoia and poor cartography.”

“The boat was closer to Antarctica than Miami,” said one activist. “If this is what passes for intelligence, we should start bombing clouds that look suspicious.”

Sources inside the Pentagon suggest the targeting algorithm may have misinterpreted the boat’s wake pattern as a Morse code message spelling “DEA LOL.” The algorithm has since been updated to ignore wake-based humor.

As the Pentagon prepares to release a follow-up image showing the “post-neutralization aquatic debris field,” critics warn that the U.S. military’s new “Preemptive Buoyancy Doctrine” is drifting dangerously close to full-blown oceanic delusion.