12:00 PM PST (August 6, 2025) — P.S. EIC

By Not Sure New’s Bureau of Unverified Truths

WASHINGTON, D.C. — U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly mistook a Pentagon strategy meeting for a tailgate party, according to sources who spoke to The Wall Street Journal while hiding under the conference table.

Hegseth, best known for once throwing an axe at a drummer on live TV (It’s true. Look it up.) and believing germs are a liberal hoax, has allegedly spurred infighting inside the Pentagon by replacing the Joint Chiefs of Staff with a rotating cast of Fox News contributors and his high school wrestling “Coach Pubehammer.”

Strategic Missteps Include:

• Ordering a preemptive strike on Canada after misreading a Tim Hortons menu as encrypted Chinese military code.

• Replacing cybersecurity protocols with “just vibes and a firm handshake.”

• Mandating all briefings begin with a shotgun beer ritual and end with a group chant of “Freedom Ain’t Free, But It’s Fun!”

The republican concerns mount on Capitol Hill, where republican lawmakers are reportedly “concerned” about Hegseth’s ability to run the department, especially after he tried to nominate Kid Rock as Undersecretary of Tactical Denim. One anonymous MAGA senator stated, “We wanted a culture warrior, not a literal warrior against culture.”

The pentagon infighting escalates sources say and the Pentagon cafeteria has become a battleground, with factions forming around whether Hegseth’s “Operation No More Bar Stools” is a metaphor for agile leadership or just a vendetta against furniture (again, see previous Hegseth article.). One general was hospitalized after refusing to sit during a 9-hour PowerPoint on “The Military Applications of Axe Throwing.”

National security implications experts are warning that morale is plummeting faster than Hegseth’s approval ratings. “We’re one Monster Energy-fueled decision away from invading Delaware,” said a senior analyst, who requested anonymity and a transfer to Space Force.

Editor’s Note: Pete Hegseth has not denied the allegations, but did post a shirtless eyeshadow blazon selfie captioned “Warrior Spirit #NoStoolsNoMercy.”

For more truth-adjacent reporting, keep your eyes on NotSure News where satire meets the surreal, and reality files a restraining order.